Staff Picks

Your Dorm's Creepiest Residents

 

Your Crush’s Roommate
Why does the hottest girl in the dorm have to have the frumpiest roommate ever to be admitted to college?  It is a guarantee that the first time you actually work up the nerve to “randomly” stop by your crush’s room due to the fact that you were in the building to “see a friend and oh my god didn’t even realize you lived here!” she will be gone at class and you will be suckered into an awkward conversation with her roommate that bears a close resemblance to a she-male wideclops.  Avoid any and all interaction with this girl, unless you want to hear about her soon-to-be released anthology of pony related poems.


The 27-Year Old Graduate Student
While all other students decided that living in a closet with another human being and showering in piss wasn’t for them and moved off campus, this guy decided to grow his hair into a pony-tail and stick it out in the dorms for another 9 years.  Only approach this individual if you want to hear about his Latin-American History thesis or if you need to borrow a car and have already exhausted every car-owning student and homeless person on campus.


The Girl Sobbing on the Phone in the Hallway
How many times a week does this girl’s boyfriend break up with her?  When normal people take personal phone calls to a private location, this girl decides that the best place to be informed of her grandmother’s death is in the sound-reverberating setting of the dorm hallway.  Be it a cheating boyfriend, a stressful week of school, or the squirrel she saw get run over, she will vent these tearful emotions into her cell phone for all to hear.


The Janitor
He silently roams the hallways cleaning up puke, disinfecting the showers, and muttering to himself while emptying the trash.  Often taken for granted, the dorm janitor is like a phantom, coming and going without notice.  When was the last time you saw your dorm janitor come into work or leave work?  Never, that’s when.  Odds are he sleeps in the boiler room and lives off of stolen packets of shrimp Ramen.


The Kid Who Sorts the Mail
Instead of being known by his real name of “Adam” or “Pete,” he is known to everyone in the dorm as “The Mail Guy.“  By all accounts, shouldn’t The Mail Guy be the most popular kid in the dorms?  But he isn’t.  He never is.  While he has the power to make your much-needed tuition check from your parents disappear, he instead yields the power to sit in a dimly-lit room sorting mail and trying to work up the nerve to steal your packages.

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Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.