For the past two years, I've been outsourcing the most tedious parts of my life to India. It's a win-win situation: Some desperately poor Indian becomes a tiny bit less poor, and I can train my laser-like intellect on the things in life that really matter, like making perfect toast. Every. Single. Time. Here's how I outsource my life, so you can too:
For $6 a day, I send all my homework to a 33 year-old Indian man named Rahul Vasanta. My English professor was really impressed by my 28-page paper comparing Macbeth to the ancient myth of Vishnu complete with translations from the original Sanskrit. He was less impressed by the intricate cricket metaphors and the constant misspelling of "color." I guess Rahul thinks that he can make up whatever weird words he wants just because he has a PhD. from Oxford in 17th century English literature and wrote two chapters of the dictionary. (That's what you get for going to a college named after a type of shirt. Idiot.)
Who's got time to have sex in this modern age? First you have to meet a girl you want to have sex with, which is a pain in itself. Then you need to somehow figure out her phone number. Next you have to come up with a good fake voice or buy some kind of expensive voice transformation machine so when you call her she thinks it's someone she knows. I'm sure there's a lot more to it, too. Totally not worth it! So I've outsourced my sex life to Rahul. My roommate Steve has spent three weeks trying to get with this one girl, meanwhile I banged three lower-caste hunnies in one afternoon and all I had to do was an elaborate cleansing and public shaming ceremony afterward.
Quitting smoking is both really boring and really time consuming. In fact permanently quitting smoking can take as long as your entire life. Who's got that kind of time these days? The Pope, maybe. (But then, he can probably just get one of his Pope-slaves do it for him.) What I did was just pay Rahul to quit smoking for me. He said it was pretty easy since he'd never started in the first place. In fact it worked so well that Steve is thinking about quitting and outsourcing it to India, too. Which is good, because I'm fucking sick of him bumming from me all the time.
Honestly, I'm not really sure how this one works. But it's awesome.
Talking to your parents
If your parents are anything like mine, they're constantly calling you up and asking you a million annoying questions like "Why haven't you called us in two months?" or "Are you sure you're not gay?" or "Happy birthday, son. We love you and miss you very much even though you treat us like garbage." Now I that I've outsourced my life to India, I don't have to hear their horrible voices every week. Rahul calls them up and tells them about all of the Indian girls I've been having sex with. Usually they start crying and just ask more annoying questions like, "Where did you put the body?" But then Rahul sings some Indian folk songs and I think it puts them to sleep. Rahul has a very beautiful voice.
Writing comedy articles for Collegehumor.com
It might not seem like it, but writing an article for Collegehumor.com can take as many as one hours. If you're anything like me, you'd rather be spending that time greasing your toaster slots or smoking cigarettes. So whenever I want to write something for collegehumor.com, I just send the idea to Rahul and he works up a full treatment. I edit out all the "Your mama is a Pakistani" jokes and voila: I'm a millionaire, and the rubes at Collegehumor.com never knew what hit them.
Outsourcing your life is that easy! Now if you'll excuse me, my toast is done and it's just the way I like it.