Staff Picks

A Conversation With My Cell Phone

by Jesse E on November 12, 2008

ME: Hey dude what time is it?
…dude!� Time?

CELL: i>BING!*Oh hey it’s 11:58.

ME: Sorry you’re a little dim, what was that?

CELL: I said it’s 11:58!� Leave me alone I’m tired, man!

ME: Take it easy, all I said was you’re a little dim-

CELL: Well maybe I wouldn’t be if SOMEONE didn’t forget to plug me in last night!

ME: I already apologized for that.� You know, you used to be able to go, like, three days without charging.� Now you can’t make it 24 hours?� You’ve changed, dude.

CELL: *BING!*YOU’RE the one who always leaves me plugged in for more than the recommended three hours!� YOU’RE the enabler!

ME: DON’T YOU PUT THIS ON ME!� You hurt yourself when you ding and flash when you already have low battery-and I thought I put you on vibrate!

CELL: Yeah, well, when I’m low I do what I want!

ME: When you’re low?� Try all the time, drama queen!� Just because you don’t like to use the “F” word or the “S” word, I always have to say “duck” and “shiv.”

CELL: *BING!*BUZZT9 COMES PREPROGRAMMED AND YOU KNOW THAT!

ME: Tip of the iceberg dude, tip of the iceberg.� But listen I’m not trying to fight, I just wanna text this cute girl at midnight for her birthday.� Then we’ll go home and plug in, maybe kick back and pull up some boobie pics of the ex-girlfriend?� How’s that sound?� Huh?

CELL: I’m sorry man, you’re right this is all my fault.� I think I can muster up another minute, it’s the least I can do…BUZZZZZ*

ME: Wait…what are you doing?

CELL: What’s it look like?� I’m powering down; tell the world my story! …dick.

ME: You…mother ducking piece me shiv.