Issue #86

Brought to you by James' Bond, the world's most exciting financial guide.

My Grandmother just turned 84 last week. I sent her a birthday card with a check for $10 in it.

-Kevin S.

How come when a man talks nasty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks nasty to a man it's $3.99 a minute?

-Zach McGrath

All statues are of people riding a horse, and waving a sword. In the future will all statues be of people in cars, waving a sword?

-Matt Vita

My dog's daily planner

1. Sleep

2. Sit on human's face to wake it up

3. Lick own genitalia

4. Sleep

5. Poop….a lot.

6. Sleep

7. Bark at nothing

8. Poop in the house

9. Lick own anus.

10. Stare at human until it gives me food

11. Poop

12.Sleep

-Conner Kerrigan

I dropped the soap in the shower today. My first thought as I bent down to pick it up was, "I'm really glad I'm not in prison right now." My second thought: "I wonder who is anally raping me…"

-Andrew Cavalier

A shock comedian with a terrible sense of time

-The lawyers for the Exxon Valdez are having an easy time in their case. They've already greased all the witnesses

-I recently heard that the pilot of the Hindenberg was drunk when the accident occurred. If I had been there, that would have burned me up.

-Did you hear about President Republibot 5000's invasion of the Xzylon system? All I can say is "1001110101111001001" Am I right?

-Jimmy Joe Joe Shabadoo