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My Grandmother just turned 84 last week. I sent her a birthday card with a check for $10 in it.
How come when a man talks nasty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment, but when a woman talks nasty to a man it’s $3.99 a minute?
All statues are of people riding a horse, and waving a sword. In the future will all statues be of people in cars, waving a sword?
My dog’s daily planner
1. Sleep
2. Sit on human’s face to wake it up
3. Lick own genitalia
4. Sleep
5. Poop….a lot.
6. Sleep
7. Bark at nothing
8. Poop in the house
9. Lick own anus.
10. Stare at human until it gives me food
11. Poop
12.Sleep
I dropped the soap in the shower today. My first thought as I bent down to pick it up was, “I’m really glad I’m not in prison right now.” My second thought: “I wonder who is anally raping me…”
A shock comedian with a terrible sense of time
-The lawyers for the Exxon Valdez are having an easy time in their case. They’ve already greased all the witnesses
-I recently heard that the pilot of the Hindenberg was drunk when the accident occurred. If I had been there, that would have burned me up.
-Did you hear about President Republibot 5000’s invasion of the Xzylon system? All I can say is “1001110101111001001” Am I right?
ABCreationism
Sarah Palin thinks Dinosaurs (the TV show) and Cavemen (the TV show) were both on at the same time.
Corporal punishment
Is it cruel and unusual punishment to put an Amish man in an electric chair?If and when the sun burns out, chances are it’ll be because it got into drugs when it was only 1.3 billion years old.
An RA came into my room yesterday and confiscated all of my weed, and I thought “That’s funny, I don’t live in the dorms”
Observation while performing stand-up for my parents for the first time
You don’t realize, until you see your mom in the crowd, just how many times you use the word “cunt” in your act.It makes me nervous that the phrase most often repeated by the Marines is “I don’t know, but I’ve been told…”
The Absolute Worst Case Scenario Handbook: Holiday Shopping Edition
10 Ways to Make the Internet Better
iPhone Airplane Modes for Other Vehicles
TV Valentine's Day Cards
The 15 Best Christmas Movies of All Time
The 25 Best Sitcom Couples
Fixed it!
The kind of sports you can expect to see on ESPN17
Oh good, my package came. I've got a big night ahead of me.
And that's why you always leave a note
Siri, what is the temperature... because I just got burned!
Pfft I listened to polka covers of arena rock before it was cool
Forever a zone
The other side of Adele's story
Spending your Valentine's Day on the internet? This will make everything better.
Thoughts on Valentine's Day from people who are paid to be cynical bastards.
