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105%-O-Matic

Issue Eighty-Seven

by 105%-O-Matic on

The creamed onions to the Internet’s Thanksgiving.

How sad is it that the best dog actors only get to work with the worst human ones?
-Will Guth
New plot for a Jason Statham movie
If his character does not kick enough ass in an hour and a half, his movie will suck really bad.
-Brendan McCarthy McCarthy
What is blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
-Tom Walker
Chinese Democracy
It took Axl Rose 15 years to release his new album. But anyone who’s a big enough Guns N’ Roses fan to be upset has probably achieved even less since then.
-Patrick Cassels
If you think that taking 21 shots on your 21st birthday is hard, just remember how hard it was for your 8th birthday.
-Duke Studworthy
For some reason I always experience stagefright whenever I pee in public. Which is bad news for me, and even worse news for the people in the front row of the theatre.
-Conor McKeon
Why is it called “legally drunk” if you can get a ticket?
-Phil Watson
My Thanksgiving resolution this year is to finally figure out which customs belong to which holiday.
-Amir Blumenfeld
Shouldn’t regret be considered an STD?
-Phil Begley
A pharmacist is just a drug dealer who stayed in school.
-Will Riebel
I was dating a girl for a couple years but it just got too serious, so we got a divorce and sent the kids to live in an orphanage. It’s better for everyone this way.
-Kevin Corrigan
Scared-Straight introduction
“Okay, before we start let’s get three things straight: You, you, and you.”
-Ben Kessler
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Orange Squares

Two years ago I get assigned a roommate from Bangladesh. Its his first time ever out of his country. His first words to me were Hello how tastes it. Interesting start right. Two days later i walk in to see cheese slices all over the walls. The cheese slices have writing on them. I confront him about it and he tells me he thought they were post it notes. Apparently they do... Read More » not have dairy in back home because he had never seen cheese before. Days after that he blows up the microwave by putting a pot of eggs in it. It is at this point that I give up on the guy. After a few weeks I notice his part of the dorm smells like ass so I confront him about it. He then goes on to explain that he has been waiting for the servants to come by for his laundry. Of all the people why did I get this guy? In the three months I lived with him he washed once and never quite understood that we did not have servants and that Americans utilize cows.