"Issue Eighty-Seven" by 105%-O-Matic

The creamed onions to the Internet's Thanksgiving.

How sad is it that the best dog actors only get to work with the worst human ones?

-Will Guth

New plot for a Jason Statham movie

If his character does not kick enough ass in an hour and a half, his movie will suck really bad.

-Brendan McCarthy McCarthy

What is blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

-Tom Walker

Chinese Democracy

It took Axl Rose 15 years to release his new album. But anyone who's a big enough Guns N' Roses fan to be upset has probably achieved even less since then.

-Patrick Cassels

If you think that taking 21 shots on your 21st birthday is hard, just remember how hard it was for your 8th birthday.

-Duke Studworthy

For some reason I always experience stagefright whenever I pee in public. Which is bad news for me, and even worse news for the people in the front row of the theatre.

-Conor McKeon

Why is it called "legally drunk" if you can get a ticket?

-Phil Watson

My Thanksgiving resolution this year is to finally figure out which customs belong to which holiday.

-Amir Blumenfeld

Shouldn't regret be considered an STD?

-Phil Begley

A pharmacist is just a drug dealer who stayed in school.

-Will Riebel

I was dating a girl for a couple years but it just got too serious, so we got a divorce and sent the kids to live in an orphanage. It's better for everyone this way.

-Kevin Corrigan