Roommate Confessions: Issue 54

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds here!

Freshman year, my roommate was such a mooch. At first, I totally didn’t mind because she wasn’t taking things very often. Then it was like she just stopped buying things for herself and using all of mine. Especially my shampoo. I asked if she was using my stuff, she said yes, and so I asked her nicely, SEVERAL TIMES, to stop. After a while, she just denied using my shampoo, even when it was evident that she was. (Her hair smelled like mine, she was wearing my perfume, and if I had to guess, my deodorant too.) So one day, I bought a brand new bottle of shampoo, only I added red dye and food coloring. Right before that hoe went to take a shower, I gave her one last warning, “Hoe, please don’t use my shampoo.” To that the hoe said, “OK”. B*tch went in Paris Hilton and came out Lindsey Lohan!
Alli T., Indiana University

You’re a great roommate, but for no reason at all I try to overdraft you by strategically cashing checks you give me when I think your account is lowest.
Cory, School Not Given

My roommate had a habit of taking my things without asking and never returning them. When he bought a new car I decided to do the same. He was in class one morning, so I drove the car an hour away from school and parked it in the middle of a corn field. I had a friend follow me in a car so I wouldn’t have to walk back to school. When we got back to the apartment my roommate was in hysterics screaming about his car being stolen. When the police found his car a week later, it had sunk so deep into the dirt of the field that he had to dig the tires out and have it towed. What goes around comes around. Don’t take my stuff.
Andrew Shmandrew, UWO

To whoever stole the water bottles that were sitting outside my door in the sunlight: They each had a different strain of E. Coli in them. What you thought were tea bags were actually cultures of the bacteria in tea bags to see how the bacteria affect each sample. Hope that was the best tea you’ve ever stolen.
Bill Moorman, CSU Pueblo

Hey, I know that you read Collegehumor.com nearly everyday, so you should enjoy this. Remember that time that you hit my beautiful seven month old labrador with your car and walked into the house while she was still pinned under your tire. Then you turned for two seconds from the television to mumble a completely pathetic apology shortly before I rushed my dog to the vet? Well as you are aware, my dog now walks on only three legs because of you. I had played it off as best I could for nearly four months that everything was fine, but I was the one who made 400 copies of your face with the words “I have herpies” above the photo, then placed them throughout the entire campus late one night. I also was the one who put them all over the halls right outside of your classroom while you were in class. If you have paid any attention to this ‘confession’, pay the most attention to the next three things: 1) Everyone who ever met you, hated you. They all saw right through you and knew you only as a coniving, evil, manipulative bitch who they hung out with ONLY, and I quote, “for new material to make fun of.” 2) The fiancee who broke up with you largely in part for thinking that you had herpes was cheating on you throughout your entire relationship, and with two of your “best friends.” 3) I know that you are now living back at home with your parents, you have no friends, no money, no job, no life…I make $180k/year BASE salary, live in a beautiful loft, my office is on the west coast of Owahu, and my adorable three-legged dog gets to run around on the beach every day.
Alesya P, Brown University

Submit yours here!