"Issue Eighty-Eight" by 105%-O-Matic

The future is… nnnnowwww. Now. Now!

The only good thing about the recession is that I no longer feel guilty about majoring in English. Now I won't get a job after graduating no matter what my major is.

-Eddie Small

T.G.I.F.

Thank Gregorian It's Friday, the inventor of the modern calendar.

-Brian Shott

On House M.D., there's always someone running behind

The elevator door never closes the first time.

-Phil H

My friend told me about how he tried to commit suicide by taking 20 Advils. Doesn't he know that he could've just taken 4 Aleves?

-Thomas Chiappone

Morkat Kombat vs. DC

If I want to see Sub-Zero fight Batman, I don't need a video game — I'll just close my eyes.

-Thomas Muir

The Moment I Realized I Would Never Become a Doctor

I remember doing poorly on a Physiology exam, learning the hard way that joint fluid is not at all similar to bong water.

-Adam Newman

A lot of my friends take alcoholism very seriously, but it's more of a Christmas and Easter thing for me.

-John O'Connor

We call my Grandpa "Spiderman," not because he has any superpowers but because he has trouble getting out of the tub.

-Jordan Shimell

Since Cocoa Puffs make normal milk chocolate, I thought they might turn chocolate milk normal. Instead it just turned my body diabetic.

-Sam Petschulat

Oregon Trail then and now

1999: Your character on Oregon Trail may die from dysentery
1850: You may die from dysentery.

-Matt Routh

American hipstorian

"I stopped following Ben Franklin's career after he went electric."

-Conor McKeon

I recently gave up drinking — well, socially, anyway.

-David Angelo

I bet the most difficult part of being a single parent is making the kid.

-Michael Drucker

Three-Way

Over the weekend I had a three-way. Only it wasn't the "fun kind" of three-way. That's right — all three of us were dudes.

-Patrick Cassels

Soy milk

I started drinking soy milk recently because they say it's better for you. So if that's the case, I think on the carton they should put pictures of kids we've found.

-Mark Normand

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