Response to My Letters from Discovery Channel Regarding My Requests that they Extend Shark Week

Dear Mr. Peever,

Thank you very much for your letters. The Discovery Channel welcomes all types of feedback from its dedicated fans and seriously considers all recommendations. However, at this time we are unfortunately not able to honour your numerous requests and will not be expanding our famous Shark Week.

While the prospects of “Shark Month” and “Shark Semester” are enticing, we still feel that well-rounded and informative programming is more conducive to our mission. Your subsequent request of a “Shark Fortnight” was an improvement, but we’re still confident that one week out of the year devoted entirely to sharks is enough.

We would also like to thank you for the suggestions you made concerning the types of sharks profiled during shark week. While “card sharks” and “pool sharks” are indeed sharks, we feel that attention would be better focused on the sharks that swim rather than hustle.

Finally, after spending a considerable amount of time trying to decipher some of the drawings you included as recommendations, we have reached the conclusion that it would not be in the channel’s best interests to have the Mythbusters turned into sharks. Anthropomorphic television hosts do not typically test well in the 18-45 demographic, not to mention the fact that the conversion procedure you graciously volunteered to perform free of charge would almost certainly be fatal.

Thank you once again for your suggestions. Please feel free to continue to send us your comments, but in the future please note that it is unnecessary to write your letters in blood as it will not “throw us into a fucking frenzy.”

Sincerely,
Art Faversham
Programming Director
Discovery Channel