How to Beat an Internship

My condition this morning can only yield one type of article, one about being hung-over, and stuck in a cubicle filled fluorescent hell.  It is likely that at one point or another in your collegiate career you will find yourself in this same situation, whether it is a co-op or an internship the rules remain the same.  Don’t be afraid of entering the “real world” prior to graduation, it’s pretty much a joke.  If you pay real close attention everyone around you is doing just as little as you are, they’re just seasoned veterans at hiding it.  The guy in the cube next to you hasn’t done anything meaningful in his office since he answered his phone in ’92.  There are however, a few keys to making yourself successful.    

First and foremost the beginning of your employment is crucial, you must prove yourself early and often.  The first assignment you’re given should be completed in no more time than the end of that particular work day, and make it good.  You should keep up this kind of pace for the first few weeks, people will start to talk, “Hey that intern knocked out 4 dispositions this week, Christ, Larry’s only done 2 since Easter.“  At this particular point you can hit cruise control and find yourself a good time swallowing website, because you’re done for the year.  If you give the illusion that you’re busy, people believe it, because who are they to judge? They’re definitely not doing anything, and it makes them feel bad to think that you are.  So if you need to walk across the office, walk fast, always have some papers spread out on your desk, and have and excel worksheet perpetually opened on your computer screen.  For example, my desk looks like Katrina just passed through and an excel file named PO Database, might as well be my screen saver.  (Aside, keep your left hand on the keys Alt Tab while you’re surfing the net, hit those hot keys once and it will pull up the last thing opened, i.e.: your excel sheet, just in case your boss happens to drop by your cube to talk about American Idol).  Now that you’ve accomplished getting paid for doing absolutely nothing but playing solitaire and staying awake, it’s time to cover how to do less.

            Lets face it, you’re still in college, and things happen when you party naked, 7am is a lot earlier than you think it is when you’re bowing down to the porcelain Gods at 2am on Thursday night.  I could advise you to party in moderation during the week so that you can be fresh for work the next day, but that’s terrible advice, you only live once, go all out.  The most important thing you can do after a long Tuesday or Thursday night is to be on time if not a few minutes early the next day.  You cannot be late, that’s a dead giveaway, these people are old, not dumb, they’re going to know what happened if you stumble in at 10am looking like a bag of smashed ass holes.  And for God’s sake don’t be stupid, shower when you get up, whether you believe it or not, you definitely smell like an ashtray that got tossed into a barrel of beer and puke, once again, dead giveaway.  On your way to work, stop at a 7-11 and get a few Red Bulls, coffee isn’t going to cut it today; it’s going to be a train wreck of a morning.  Once you get in the office find your confidant, believe me, you’ll have at least one, the guy you can talk to about anything, the guy who doesn’t give a crap if you were out until 6am drinking with the cast from Real World VII, just as long as you tell him your stories.  This is the same guy that didn’t even have to turn around and look at me when I walked into his office to tell me I was still hammered, that’s how I learned the shower tip.  Talk to him for as long as possible, likely he’ll want to tell you a few tall tales from his college days, let him, the longer you talk to him the busier you look, nobody knows what you’re talking about, it doesn’t matter, at least you’re not talking to your boss.  Once you’ve drained every ounce out of that time waster get to your desk and stare at your excel sheet cross eyed until lunch, by then you should be fine.  If you can’t quite make it to lunch before your body gives up and tries to kill you via passing out and slamming your head on your desk there is another option.  Walk your happy ass to the bathroom and set up camp in the handicapped stall, then very carefully wedge yourself against the handicapped bars on the wall, and take yourself a nap, just like 20 minutes, a little pick me up to get you through the morning.  You might be thinking, “that’s terribly gross, plus you’re occupying a stall that was not intended for you.“  Well all I have to say to that is you’re the one that couldn’t handle sitting in a chair in front of a computer without passing out, wimp.  It might sound horrible, but it beats the hell out of not going out and hanging with your friends, one night of good old-fashioned partying is well worth a few hours of thinking you might yak on a computer that was given to you for free. 

              Now you might be thinking, “But Kyle, sometimes I’m so hung-over that there’s just no way I’ll be able to make it to the office.”  That’s legit, I don’t mind that at all, that means you partied harder than the people who don’t even have jobs, and that should be applauded.  You’re going to need to space these types of days out however.  If you call in sick every Friday you’re boss just might put two and two together, lets face it, the guy isn’t pulling in six figures for nothing.  I suggest making this day Wednesday, for a few simple reasons, 1. Tuesdays weren’t that big in these guys’ days, at least not the staple they are now, so they’ll actually think you’re sick and 2. If you take Wednesday off, you’ve affectively jumped right into Thursday, another day to go out!  The next section should only be read if you’ve got brass balls, this is not for the faint of heart, you’ve got to be dedicated to doing nothing but partying.

            If you’re anything like me you don’t deny yourself much, if there’s a good time to be had, you’re going to have it, super sized; therefore, it is inevitable that you’ll find yourself hesitant to go to work some mornings due to the fact that you don’t want a DUI on your record, don’t worry, there is a solution, but you’d better be creative.  The most important thing to remember when calling in to work is to give them the type of excuse that they cannot possibly argue.  So far I’ve been to the doctor at HOME 4 times, I’ve spent the night in the ER with my girlfriend (who doesn’t exist), I’ve lost a few family members and my car has broken down so many times my boss probably thinks I drive a 1974 tool shed.  Timing of the call is maybe even more important than the excuse itself.  Don’t get lazy, if it’s the type of excuse that is planned, i.e. a doctors appointment, don’t call in and leave a message at 3am, wake up at 6 call in and polish it off with something like, “I meant to let you know yesterday, but it slipped my mind while I was working on that project, report, etc”.  On the other hand, I made the “my girlfriend’s in the hospital” call at 2am while I was already half naked with one of the hottest girls I’ve hooked up with to date, but it made the case seem urgent and thoughtful, and that was a Friday, jackpot. 

            Every case is going to be different and it’s important to feel out your environment, you can’t rush this stuff.  Put in your time early and before you know it you’ll be collecting full time payroll checks every Friday for roughly 25 hours worth of time spent.  Happy hunting.