One of America’s most renowned holidays has been tainted by the touch of a demon. That’s right, “Saint” Nick. It’s obvious to anyone with half a brain cell that Santa is in fact an earthly embodiment of Lucifer himself. Still not convinced? Check the facts, nonbeliever:
1) He wears all red, and a hat…to cover the horns!
2) We all know that Beelzebub isn’t very creative, so just take the “n” from the middle of “Santa,” move it to the end and you get……. coincidence? I think not.
3) He breaks into houses and gives children presents on Christmas, thus using greed and selfishness to distract them from the true meaning of the season.
4) Q: How does a fat man fit down a chimney? A: He isn’t fat. He’s a SERPENT!
5) Q2: How does he make it around the world in one night? A2: Otherworldly powers. Duh.
6) “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus?” What kind of friendly, jolly, gift-giving entity causes women trying to celebrate a Christian holiday to commit adultery? More like “I saw Goody Proctor dancing in the woods with Satan Claus.” Not a typo.
7) He lives at the North Pole? No way. That’s just as big of a cover as Katie Holmes is for Tom Cruise. Who would expect the demon who lives in the flaming lake to be the guy who lives in the coldest place on Earth? No one. That’s why it works.
8) He enslaves people to build the toys, his evil weapons of greed? And he bases this enslavement on height? That sounds pretty evil. Do you think those elves get a 401K? Or even dental? I think not.
6) “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus?” What kind of friendly, jolly, gift-giving entity causes women trying to celebrate a Christian holiday to commit adultery? More like “I saw Goody Proctor dancing in the woods with Satan Claus.” Not a typo.
7) He lives at the North Pole? No way. That’s just as big of a cover as Katie Holmes is for Tom Cruise. Who would expect the demon who lives in the flaming lake to be the guy who lives in the coldest place on Earth? No one. That’s why it works.
8) He enslaves people to build the toys, his evil weapons of greed? And he bases this enslavement on height? That sounds pretty evil. Do you think those elves get a 401K? Or even dental? I think not.
I don’t know about you, but this Christmas, I’m leaving out a plate of communion wafers and a nice warm mug of holy water for this “Santa Claus.” That’ll teach him. Some people may think I’m being too harsh toward the man who supposedly brings joy to countless children every year, but look at it this way: He never brought me that “Batman” cape that actually allowed flight, so I don’t owe him shit.
PS- Just wanted to throw this in, it doesn’t really fit, but it’s slightly on topic. This Thanksgiving, my grandmother told a seven-year-old that Santa was dead. After the rest of the family laughed awkwardly and told her to admit that “it was a joke,” she stuck to her guns and repeated the phrase at least twice more. “Santa Claus is dead.” The kid looked like he was about to break down into wet, snotty sobs, so I tried to cheer him up by sharing my theories on Santa’s demonic origins. I mean, I’d rather a demon-man be dead than seeing me when I’m sleeping and knowing when I’m awake, wouldn’t you? I think that it helped him to feel better, but I’m not sure, because at that point his mom decided it was time to go. Heathens.
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