Sorry, But Your Bailout Request Has Been Denied

Dear Sir,

We regret to inform you that after reviewing your application we have decided not to approve your request for a bailout package. We understand that the economy has taken quite a hit, and that many industries are struggling, unfortunately at this time, we will not be able to extend any relief funds to you.

Part of what went into our decision is the crude way in which you made your request. A dishevelled cardboard sign with the words “SPARE CHANGE” scrawled illegibly in magic marker is no way to ask for money. It’s intrusive, impersonal, and most of all, it comes off a little strong. A more inviting method would be to charter a private jet to our offices and make the request in person over some brandy.

Let us also not neglect your manner of dress while submitting your application. Torn pants and a three-piece suit made from grocery bags and carpet samples do little to improve your image. The pungent odour of urine and rotten sandwiches also were a distraction. Our recommendation is that if you would like to be successful in your bailout request, you choose an outfit that is less offensive to the senses. Prior applicants have requested funding while wearing clean and pressed Armani suits capped off with a $400 pocket square. Those applicants made a good impression and they got their money.

Frankly, we are all rather disappointed at the way in which you presented your case. No charts, no plan for the future, no proposed cutbacks, you just wanted some money to “eat.” These billions of dollars in bailout money must be wisely spent. Funding will only go to those who can clearly indicate that the funding is crucial to their operations and your presentation failed to convince us of that fact.

If you wish to make another request in the future, please make sure your presentation involves something substantial, like a plan to continue to produce inefficient vehicles that the public has clearly indicated they no longer want or can afford. It’s that special “X factor” that will get you the bailout money.

In summation, we hope that there are no hard feelings here; it’s just that we have nearly a trillion dollars in taxpayer money to give out and we have to make sure it gets to those who need it most.

Thank you for your consideration,

Uncle Sam