'Twas the Last Night of Finals

Twas the last night of finals

And all across campus

The students weren’t studying

They were drunk off their asses

The books strewn

All over the floor

While backpacks were packed

With the Preferred Liqueur

The Frat boys were nestled

All snug in their houses

While they had visions of

What was under those girls’ blouses

And I and my wallet

Were at the local bar

Where I had just laid into

My first drink so far

When out in the street

There arose such a clatter

I sprang from my stool

To see what was the matter

Away to the window

I flew like a flash

Knocked over some drink

And it made quite the splash

When what to my wandering

Eye should appear

But a Stumbling Santa

Holding a beer

As he leaned over the curb

To let himself be sick

I knew who he was

It was my friend Nick

More awkward than a puppy

He stumbled down the street

Screaming and yelling

At all he would meet

“YOUR HOT

WILL YOU SLEEP WITH ME?

HOLY SHIT

I’VE REALLY GOT TO PEE”

As dry heaves that before

The vomit fly

Nick let loose

All over some guy

And then in just a

Minute or more

I heard him pounding

At the bar door

As I stepped back from the Window

And turned around

In through the door

Nick fell to the Ground

He was covered snow

From head to toe

While his speech was slurred

And really rather slow

A ripped Santa Suit

Was all that he wore

He smelled like dead cow

And the bathroom on our floor

He spoke not a word

But went straight to the John

On his way out he hit on a girl

But failed as Don Juan

Then groping wildly

For his cell

He drunk-dialed his mother

Who was drunk as well

He stumbled to the door

Where the bouncer he eyed

He leaned against the glass

And promptly fell outside

But I heard him exclaim

Ere he wandered off alone

“HAPPY FINALS TO ALL
HOW THE FUCK AM I GETTING HOME?”