"Issue Eighty-Nine" by 105%-O-Matic

Santa's not real — he's just so phony.

So I got this new bumper sticker that I really like. It reads, MY ONLY CAR IS MY BIKE. I went to put it on and realized I had a problem: I have no hands.

-Ben Kessler

I thought getting my dog drunk would be really funny, but he just throws up like everyone else.

-Andrew Roth

If I had a live karaoke band, I wouldn't tell people I had a live karaoke band. I would just say we've been auditioning front men for over twenty years.

-Mike Drucker

I think every poison should be named after the largest thing it can kill. So instead of "Rat Poison" it should be "Human Poison." And instead of every other poison, it should be "Human Poison."

-Amir Blumenfeld

How many illegal immigrants does it take to build an office park?

Damned if I'm gonna find out! U-S-A, U-S-A!

-David Angelo

Fun-sized chocolate

Whenever I'm eating one of those "fun sized" chocolate bars I like to pretend I'm a giant, and could crush anyone who tried to take my candy away.

-Patrick Cassels

In reverse Back to The Future…

Doc Brown invents a DeLorean from a time machine.

-Jordan Kuehn

Do you think if Jesus was on the penny, it would be called a JC Penny?

-Adam Newman

Inner monologue of a taxi driver going by a Neo-Nazi rally

W"Alright, a customer!…damn, false alarm…Alright, a customer!…damn, false alarm…Alright, a customer!…damn, false alarm…"

-Conor McKeon

I wish the invisible hand could write my econ paper for me.

-Jeff Pasquale

Barry Bonds was so good that he was like the next best player on steroids.

-Yosef Berman

I was always told that masturbation will make me blind. Not true, but masturbating to crappy porn on my little phone in a public restroom really hurts my eyes.

-Steve George

Don't worry. If everything goes according to plan, global warming and nuclear winter will just cancel each other out.

-Tom Neuerburg