How To Pick Up Girls at a Party: An Instructional Guide

Act like you have a girlfriend:

You may have heard terrible advice like “act confident” or “show interest” or “come up behind them and thrust violently”. These ideas have merit, but frankly pale in comparison to this simple technique.

Girls are base animals, they are only happy when a.) Ruining other relationships or b.) Watching The Hills. Thankfully this technique blends both incentives seamlessly, resulting in guiltless, no-strings, disease-laden hook-ups.

By acting like you have a girlfriend, you offer them an excellent opportunity to feel (falsely) attractive by willingly ruining a relationship for their benefit. A possible conversation between you and your chosen target may go like this.

(Advice: make sure not to be too obvious: mention your girlfriend on the sly)

You: Hey, you’re really hot, wanna dance
Girl: What? No asshole
You: Oh, okay, I guess i’ll just go dance with my girlfriend
Girl: Wait? Do you wanna like watch a dvd in my room in a popular sorority on campus?
You: Oh, yeah, I guess my girlfriend won’t mind
Girl: Let’s just have sex on the couch over here instead
You: Fiiine (turn and fist-pound buddies)