The "Dude Where Are You?!" Voicemail

Mostly every weekend I get this dreaded voicemail. Something huge ishappening and I am either sleeping or not there. Is there anythingworse than the “Dude where are you!?” voicemail? Maybe a bag of puppieson fire, but besides that nothing is worse. Here is a template for thattype of voicemail:

Hey ________ (Bro / Last name / Fag)

Ohmy God you ________ (are never going to believe this / are going tototally shit yourself / are going to want to die). I am at a______(sick house party / crowded frat party / wild ass bar) and you arenever going to believe who walked in! Yup that’s right, ________(famous athlete / local celebrity / professor) just strolled right in.And guess who he was with! That girl you like from _______ (class /work / that 90’s movie), and she was looking _____ (hot / fucking hot /unbelievably fucking hot) So anyway we all just got _____ (hammered /high / funny wallet sized pictures from a photo booth) together andsang _______ (Don’t Stop Believin‘/ Billie Jean / Piano Man) at the top of our lungs! This was the bestnight ______ (ever / of my life / in the history of nights). Wish youwere ______ (here / not a loser / not sleeping).

Later ______ (bitch / idiot / queer)