Staff Picks

105%

Issue Ninety

by 105%-O-Matic on December 16, 2008

Our Monthly Holiday Issue!

My argument for white pizza

Warm toasted bread, melted cheese, and mashed vegetables. Which of these doesn’t belong? Also, I’m racist.

-Ben Joseph

Definitions for “Waffle Balls”

1.Delicious dessert topping, 2.Aftermath of sitting on a tennis racket

-Adam Newman

Animaniacs is a funnier version of Entourage.

-Ryan Harbon

A couple years ago I was going to make my own TV station, like BET, but for white people. I ended up deciding against it, partially because I didn’t want to become another example of white people ripping off black culture, and mostly because it sounded horribly racist.

-Kevin Corrigan

I think the second worst part about being in a Pretenders cover band is you’re destined to only come up with the second most appropriate name possible. The worst part, of course, is the fact that you’re in a Pretenders cover band.

-Conor McKeon

Why do old people become hard of hearing when their ears get so damn big?

-Glen O’Brien

Irrational Simile

Why do people say “smart like a fox”? Does that mean you are smart enough to catch rabies and get shot by a British nobleman?

-Kyle Booen

These hors d’oeuvres taste like shit! Pardon my French.

-Debby Burge

Behind every successful woman there’s a bunch of guys whispering that she’s a lesbian and “probably infertile.”

-Dan Dooley

Every year my fantasy team comes in dead last even though it has the hottest chicks on it. I guess I just don’t understand sports.

-Dante Culpepper

Look, I don’t make the rulez. If I did, I would spell rulez with a “z.”

-Streeter Seidell

Do you think poor, freezing children are purposely naughty so they’ll get coal?

-Patrick Cassels

Psych out

It wasn’t until after I graduated that I realized my diploma was useless. All of the benefits majoring in Psychology were canceled out by minoring in Reverse Psychology.

-Kaneda Shima