A letter to my penis

Dear Penis,
As I ironic as this may seem, you are a fucking pussy. Your constant need for attention and total disregard for social etiquette make you quite childish in my mind. Also, I have never met someone who is so sensitive to, well….EVERYTHING. I have my preferences too, but if it’s too hot for me I don’t run away from my friends. The same friends that when it’s too cold out you cling to like a lost bear cub.
And I have to say that I am a little dissapointed in you as a friend. I always thought we would grow up together. Literally and figuratively. I don’t know if it’s because of your bad eating habits, or if you have some kind of defect, but you haven’t grown since 7th grade. I don’t want to sound condescending but I was really expecting more. I’m not mad, I’m just dissapointed. You have created some potentially embaressing situations for us.
If I could make a suggestion for your personal growth, (not physically but emotionally as it has become quite clear you have given up in the physical growth area) I would suggest you look up the word perserverance in the dictionary. No one has gotten very far in life being a quitter. And I don’t know how to put this nicely, but by all accounts, you are a quitter. How many successful people quit after ONE TIME? Of doing anything? Do you think we would have anything in this world if the inventors of the land had quit after just one try? No. So sack up man, give it another go. There is no reason for you to retreat with your tail between your legs after a job, not to return for at least another half hour. Just once, stick around and see what happens. I don’t want to give anything away, but only good things can come of it. Pun intended.
Finally, you need to work on your self control. You are like a drunken baseball fan with turret’s syndrome. You cannot just expel things at your own discretion. We are a team and I would appreciate you consulting me before you just go throwing things at people. It is just unbecoming. Pun intended.
I am not saying that we should go our seperate ways. We always end up having a good time together, and I want that to continue. You just have a few things you could work on. Keep your head up. Seriously.
Regards,
Matt