The Infomercial Love Triangle

Billy Mays: How was your day, honey?

Sham-Wow: Well, Vince from work told me that I’m German.

Billy Mays: Well, Germans make good stuff.

Telephone Rings

Sham-Wow: I’ll get it… Hello?

Ron Popiel: Do you love me?

Sham-Wow: Are you f*cking serious?! You know you’re not supposed to call during dinner or even this number!

Ron Popiel: Well, I’m sorry, but this whole fling is getting to me. I want more, babe, I need your Shammy touch.

Billy Mays: Who is it, honey?

Sham-Wow: No one… it’s no one.

Ron Popiel: I’m no one?! You sucked up fifty percent of my cola, wine and coffee stain on the first pass, and got the rest on the second. You even checked the bottom on my rug sample to see if it was DRY!

Sham-Wow: I will call you later. I promise.

Ron Popiel: Don’t you hang up on-

Hangs up phone

Sham-Wow: So! Where were we?

Billy Mays: Who was that?

Sham-Wow: Oh, work, just a… just a work call.

Billy Mays: So I read in US Weekly today that Melissa Joan Heart-

Phone Rings

Sham-Wow: That f*cking b*tch!

Billy Mays: Shammy!

Sham-Wow: Sorry babe, its just work is so tedious, maybe it’s that Olympic diver trying to dry himself off again, I don’t know.

Picks up phone

Sham-Wow: Hello?

Ron Popiel: You hung up on me.

Sham-Wow: Alright, Ron, you listen to ME! This is my house. This is MY F*CKING HOUSE. Never, I mean NEVER, call my house again. I told you that you could use me on your house, car, boat, and RV. Is that not enough for you?

Ron Popiel: You say you can hold 20 times your weight in liquid, but I know you can hold 20 times your weight in LIES!

Sham-Wow hangs up the phone

Billy Mays: You look so angry, honey. Are you crying?!

Sham-Wow: It’s nothing, I swear. Let’s eat our dinner-

Doorbell rings

Billy Mays: I’ll get it.

Sham-Wow: No!

Billy Mays: It could be Tony Little dropping off the Gazelle he got us for our anniversary.

Billy Mays opens the door

Billy Mays: Ron?

Ron Popiel: Move out of my way-you lispy, bearded f*ck.

Sham-Wow: What are you doing here!

Billy Mays: What’s going on Shammy? What’s going on!

Sham-Wow: Nothing baby, don’t worry.

Ron Popiel: Nothing? I wouldn’t call that nothing. I was saying “Sham-Wow!” all night Christmas Eve.

Billy Mays: But I thought you were mine.

Ron Popiel: Well here’s a little piece of information, Sham-Wow sells itself.

Billy Mays: How could you, Shammy!

Sham-Wow: I don’t know, Billy, I don’t know. The stress, the fame. Ron seemed to have a lot of wet sweaters lying around for me to dry.

Ron Popiel: Enough of this. I’ve come to kill both of you. If I can’t have you for myself Sham-Wow, no one can. Goodbye Billy and Shammy.

Pulls out the Magic Bullet

Billy Mays: No!

Tony Little enters

Tony Little: Knock Knock! Who’s ready for some muscle build-Oh my god!

Ron Popiel: Who’s that?

Billy Mays sprays Ron with Oxi Clean

Ron Popiel: (Screams)

Sham-Wow grabs the Magic Bullet and shoots Ron

Sham-Wow: Set it and forget it, b*tch.

Billy Mays: (Crying) I love you Shammy.

Sham-Wow: I love you too, Billy.

Phone rings

Billy Mays: I’ll get it. Hello?

Proactive Solution: Billy?

Billy Mays: Yes. Meet me at 3am, bring the Enzyte.