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Summer Hygiene

by Julian on April 13, 2009

As summer approaches, so does the realization that you haven’t applied for any feasible internships and you’re probably going to be living at home. There are good and bad things about being home for the summer, but the biggest bummer is the heightened standard of hygiene you’re held to. It’s tough to be clean enough for real people like family members and seasonal employers when you’ve only had to please a population whose collective motto is “Too hungover to shower” for the past four months.

But fret not, my friends, because as always, there are loopholes and shortcuts to get around all of your major cleansing needs. Follow these tips and you’ll be cleaner than a beer bong at the service frat in no time.

SHOWERS- If you’re like me, then you’re used to rules like “As long as I haven’t broken a sweat since my last shower, I don’t have to shower” or “As long as I changed into dry clothes if I broke a sweat since my last shower, I don’t have to shower” or even, “If I go to sleep sweaty, and I wake up not sweaty, I don’t have to shower”. But alas, it’s not so easy at home. Mom notices.

Now, if both your parents work, it’s easy enough to cover your entire body in deoderant a couple times a day and claim you showered while they were out. But if you have a parent who’s home often, you may have to do some rinse-cycles.

RINSE-CYCLE- A rinse-cycle is exactly what the name implies. You step into the shower, turn on the water, and do absolutely nothing. Just rinse. Continue this action for 2-7 minutes. Any shorter and Mom won’t believe it was a real shower. Any longer and she’ll know you were just masturbating.

SOAP- While rince-cycles work most of the time, it’s good to use real “shower things” like soap every now and then. Though it can be tough to know exactly how often it’s necessary, I’ve derived a little equation that makes things easier to understand:

The square root of the total number of people in your family (including yourself) is equal to the number of times per month you have to use soap in the shower before people notice. If you come up with a decimal, just round down.

SHAMPOO- Don’t worry about it! Just comb it back and tell everyone that you’re greasing your hair to get into character for a “The Outsiders” party one of the frats is throwing next semester. Make sure to say things like “There’s this Soc chick I’m totally tryin’ to rumble with after the party, so I wanna stay golden like Ponyboy” so they’ll really believe you.

DEODERANT- Since you probably forgot it and you don’t have the funds to purchase a new stick (because you could buy like TWO forties with that money instead), it’s best to look to an Asian friend. SCIENTIFIC FACT: It is anatomically impossible for Asians to sweat. They just don’t do it. When everyone else starts hitting puberty, they buy deoderant for show, but they don’t really need it. So you should feel no guilt in swiping it from them mercilessly.

COLOGNE- Although you’ve never owned nice cologne in your life, you still can! All you need is a girly liquor (i.e. Malibu Rum), a flask, and a friend who likes to smell good. Next time you’re drinking at your friend’s place, show up with the handle and the flask (the latter being concealed). Now wait for him to leave the room and while he’s gone, empty his nice cologne into your flask, replacing anything you took with the liquor. Don’t feel bad about stealing, either. The guy’s covered in Malibu Rum! Girls wll be all over him! So will bees, but still… GIRLS!

TOOTHBRUSH- You left this at school too, so the second you get home from school, throw away all of your family’s toothbrushes. Even though they’ll be suspicious, they’ll have to go out and buy a new one for everyone. Naturally, they’ll ask if you need one. Once your clever ruse has landed you a shiny new toothbrush, frequency is up to you. I suggest whenever you wake up though, because you’ll be too drunk to remember before you go to sleep.

TRIMMIN’ THE PUBES- This is the only thing that gets easier at home. It’s hard enough to get any ass at school, so God knows you won’t get any at home. And since nobody’s gona be seeing it, there’s no point in grooming. On the off-chance that you do score a piece of the coveted “home-ass”, it’ll be with somebody you’ve known since middle school and you’ll be able to explain and laugh it off later. If it does end up being a problem, though, just hit ‘em with the guilt: “Ya know, Dorothy, we’ve known eachother since seventh grade. If an unruly bush is enough to keep apart my penis and your lips, then I’m going to have to reevaluate our friendship.”

UNDERWEAR- Once again, nobody sees ‘em, so you can do whatever you do at school. But if you do happen to have luck with the ladies on a night that your boxers are less than clean, just replace “unruly bush” with “skidmark” in the above sentence, and guilt away.

OTHER LAUNDRY- “MOOOOM!”

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