Profile of Students in your Fiction Writing Class

Person who doesn’t understand the word “fiction”

Though they have changed their main character’s name, the story seems eerily familiar. Maybe it’s because it is a longer rendition of their Facebook status. Come on, we all know you are writing your life verbatim, which makes reading about Uncle Jeff touching the narrator that much more awkward for the rest of the class. I understand that taking this class might be cheaper than therapy, but in therapy at least you probably won’t have to defend yourself as a reliable narrator or not.

Excerpt: “Shmichael Shmo’Reilly liked to pretend he was a tough guy, but in reality, even as he writes this, he is crying while masturbating to pictures of his ex-girlfriend.”

Person who understands one literary device

…And applies it exclusively to every aspect of every story you read in class. Whether it’s characterization, allegory, imagery, juxtaposition, or onomatopoeia, this person will pipe on about it for as much class time as they can swallow.

Quote: “I thought it was quite evident that the author was trying to convey the theme through their use of alliteration, naming the main character “Shmichael Shmo’Reilly”

Person who loves everything

They just can’t believe how anyone can write anything ever. I mean it’s all so original (even the guy who writes his own life), that even the most poorly written slop can send this student into a whirl about the beauty of invention. They are generally the worst writer in the class.

Quote: “And when you had the characters speak to each other, I thought wow, it is as if I have witnessed God Himself on the days of creation…”

Girl who incorporates rape in every story

It’s always a girl, and if she wrote the story, someone’s getting raped. You spend the duration of the semester hoping she is not also the autobiographical one.

Quote: “Jessie looked so nice and pretty with her beautiful smile and bright green eyes, so naïve and helpless. She was the nicest and most selfless woman. She sat in the orphanage smiling cross-legged as the cutest ones stood in line to hug her. Little did she know…[she would later be unwillingly sexually penetrated]”

Guy who uses the class to write his ideal Vin Diesel movie

Pretty much the opposite of the aforementioned Raperella, this guy writes every last piece as a machismo fantasy he has to dream about every night in order to sleep. His idea of realistic means the main character aims his pistol at the gas tank in order to turn a car into an atom bomb.

Quote: Dirk Killenhoff thought he had finished off the last guy, breaking through his face and squishing his brain with his bare hands. That is, until he turned the corner and saw the thousands of Uzi-toting flying midgets right around the corner. “Oh boy,” Dirk told himself, “It will take all of the rippling muscles in your pecs and biceps to get yourself out of this one.”