Hey, man, how are you? Uh-huh; that’s great. Listen, did you finish reading my new book? Yeah, yeah, “The Grapes Of Wrath.” Did you finish it?
What did you think of the ending? No, I really do want to hear what you think.
What – what does it mean? It’s right there. It’s a man sucking on a woman’s boobs. I think that’s pretty clear. Do you need more? I thought I was a good writer. Maybe I’m wrong. Let me ask what my Pulitzer thinks. It can’t talk, but it has my name on it.
I thought you understood, man. John gets lonely. John needs a little excitement. You know what it’s like to be with this woman Carol, my wife? It’s terrible. I’m trying to tell people, “I need this. That shop closed up long ago. If I want to buy my medicine, it’s going to be in the books or not at all.” If there’s any metaphor here, it’s the dustbowl.
So forgive me if I tried to make a good American novel great. Most people would’ve put the pen down after pleasing the critics. I only put the pen down after pleasing myself.
You’re not the first, though. I read some review that said the ending represented my “belief in the power of sacrifice for the greater good of mankind.” What? Like, “Okay, yeah. Ya’ got me. I just wrote a five-hundred-page book so I could hide the moral in a titty-sucking scene on the last page. Guilty!”
Come on. You can’t kid a kidder. Unless there was a misprint, that scene reads as just one thing, and that’s man on woman action.
But here’s the good news: paid by the word. Viking Press gets their sob story about poor people; readers get the hottest scene of the decade; and I get cash money.
I mean, America! I love this country!



+
The 8 Stages of Staying Up All Night
The 25 Best Sitcom Couples
Dating Dos and Don'ts
Five NEXT-LEVEL Handshakes
How Creepy You Are, as Determined by Your Pets
The Absolute Worst Case Scenario Handbook: Holiday Shopping Edition
Spending your Valentine's Day on the internet? This will make everything better.
Thoughts on Valentine's Day from people who are paid to be cynical bastards.
The 3D makes this movie look real...ly sucky
Your pet says a lot about you. But then, you have a gossipy parrot.
Guys try to surf without water, and somehow succeed.
Ice T is good, but this time of year it's all about CoCo
Yeah! And why did Microsoft make Bing when they can just use Google?
Valentine's Day was simpler back then. And creepier.
Hey! Get your real world out of my internet!
These guys are getting called out by the reeferee.