Memoir of My Life, Thus Far

Our lives are defined by the things we experience and the moments that we share with others.  It took me a great deal of time to realize that it doesn’t matter what clothes you wear or how “cool” you are, or any of that shit.  If those things mattered to me, there is no way I would’ve written any of these sometimes embarrassingly pathetic stories. Yet, through the experiences you are about to read, I learned some of my most important life lessons that have helped me in trying to find my place on this big blue planet. Not really, I just think they’re funny. Hopefully, this will be the first of many that I can share with you.

 

You Gotta Fight, For Your Right, To Pee

Around the time I was in the first grade, I had some kind of bladder condition. I don’t want to go into a bunch of medical jargon but basically I felt like I had to pee every five minutes. My first grade teacher was not exactly, how do you say, sympathetic of my situation. I would ask to go to the bathroom a few times a day and my request would often get turned down. For whatever reason, she just refused to let me drain the main vein.  I almost peed my Spiderman underwear on numerous occasions. Finally I told my parents about my teacher’s refusal to let me go to the restroom.  My parents were pretty pissed (pun intended) about the whole thing. My mom said she would get a doctor’s note,

even though she had written a note herself. My dad jokingly told me to pee on the ground next time she didn’t let me go. If only I understood the concept of sarcasm.

The next came and with it came my request to go use the can.

            “Later,” said my teacher. “We’re going to have story time in a minute.”

            Story time? Was she serious? I knew there was absolutely no way I would be able to last an entire story. Still, I slowly took my seat with everyone else on the rug. We were forced to sit Indian style which is the worst way to sit if you have to piss. It opens up your crouch and sends signals to your brain like “OK. Open up the floodgates! Let it flow!” I was struggling. Then, like a cartoon show, I could hear the voice of my dad in my head.

            “Just pee on the ground. Make her clean it up.”

            So, pretty much, I did. I unleashed about a gallon of piss right there on the rug, sitting Indian style the whole time. No one really noticed anything until we stood up when the story was finished. There was a mysterious dark spot on the rug where I had been sitting. All the kids in the class pointed and laughed at it. I really think they were too distracted by the puddle-o-pee that they didn’t even bother to look who had created it. At least that’s what I thought at the time. I laughed at it like all the other kids, hoping they wouldn’t notice that I was the culprit. Of course once they saw the puddle on my jeans, they were able to put two and two together. I was embarrassed, yes. But, in that moment of humiliation, I felt an amazing feeling of pride and triumph. I had stuck up for myself for the first time in my life. Never again was I questioned about going to the restroom. Oh, and my teacher had to buy a new rug.