Dating at college is like crying hysterically while masturbating: when you stop and think for a second, it's actually kind of strange. Others before me have done their best to capture this collegiate clumsiness, but have only scratched the surface of an entire iceberg of creepy, legally dubious actions we take when a certain someone makes us feel a certain something in a certain somewhere.  I'd like to delve deeply into that iceberg, to its Titanic-sinking depths, and explore how some of my personal practices can seem so objectively wrong, but feel so natural. So natural that sometimes it makes me want to cry. Hysterically.

What better place to start than the beginning, before a word is spoken or a restraining order issued? For the sake of brevity I will limit my examples to those relating to Macbook laptops, which always seem to play a part in these playful parties.

1.Stalkermail
We've all been there. You're in the library or student center, surfin' the web and mouthin' some Amen's to Perez Hilton, when a particularly attractive girl sits across from you and drops her ID card in your line of sight. There's really no other option, you need to know more about this girl: What's her major? What are her extra-curricular activities? Why doesn't she go to the state school? So you copy down her name into an email, and then send it to yourself, all without ever making eye contact with her. The email part is key, because it buys you time while keeping a record of her name. In other words, emailing will allow you reach a safe environment where you can peruse her Facebook page and relate to her LiveJournal outside of the public eye. Even more crucially still, sending yourself an email will give you the excitement of receiving a new message, which will become crucial your self-esteem when you actually think about what you just did.

2. She's yo' Foto-boo
This particular action comes about in more desperate situations, when all future hopes of actual face-to-face interaction seem slim. I've also found that it works particularly well in local cafes, where suspicion is low and everything's just a little more chill. Regardless of the venue, seating is key: she's got to be directly behind you.  Once you are both in place, open up that Macbook, click on Fotobooth, and wait until the two of you are comfortably within the image. Dim the brightness on the screen, mute the volume (that countdown can be your undoing) and SNAP THAT SHOT. Only later, once you have safely returned to your dank den of despair, review the photo and analyze every physical feature of your subject. If you think you might have a chance (you don't) proceed to the first approach I described. If she seems just a little too attractive, no problem! Since you're both in the image, Fotobooth allows you to change the background to a rollercoaster ride or tropical island. Either way, you two can finally have the life you never will!  

3. Starin at you, babe.
This final approach is for those who take risks. It is perhaps the most nuanced and challenging tactic of all, because it requires some real-life interaction between yourself and the subject. I'm not saying you'll ever need to talk her, because, lets be honest, you just can't do that. But, you will lock eyes. Before you reach for your inhaler, let me explain:  Sit down across from a hott babe deeply immersed in her laptop, and take out your own. As you pretend to experience the world-wide-web, shoot her an ever-so-slight glance once every five minutes. Continue this pattern for about three hours, or until she leaves. Come back to exactly the same spot exactly one week later, and, increase the number of glances incrementally (of course, situations may vary). Keep this up for about a year or so, then switch tables and open up Fotobooth.

It's important to remember that these three tactics may not always work as well for you as the have for me. You might, unfortunately, find yourself in a situation where verbal communication is unavoidable. In such cases, say something racist.