The Second Coming of Christ

Jesus: Boy, it feels good to be back after all these years! I didn’t think Dad would ever let me return after what happened last time, but hey, at least I can learn from my mistakes. Time to start spreading the good news! Excuse me, sir.
Businessman: Huh? Oh, hey, listen, I’m sorry, but I don’t have any change on me.
Jesus: What? No, that’s not it. I’m here to-
Businessman’s Wife: Oh, at least give him something dear.
Businessman: Honey, he’s just going to spend it on drugs.
Businessman’s Wife: Come on…
Businessman: Alright, alright, fine. Here’s a dollar, and for the love of God, just buy yourself some food.
(The two walk away quickly.)
Jesus: Hey, can you not use my dad’s name in vain like that? Hello? Man, what was that all about? Oh well, I’ve turned the other cheek before. I guess I’ll just try someone else. You there!
Homeless Man: Eh?
Jesus: You need not fear me, my brother. I am Jesus Christ, and I have returned to bring love and peace to all mankind! Will you join me in spreading the good news?
Homeless Man: Whoa man, you gotta back off.
Jesus: Well, actually, I’m only part man.
Homeless Man: This is my block, ok? I’ve been pulling the religious angle here for years, and I don’t blame you for doing the same because, hey, it works. You start talking about Jesus and how he helped the poor and all that, people feel bad, they give you some cash. But you gotta do it somewhere else, alright? This is my territory.
Jesus: But…no, you don’t understand, I really am Jesus Christ!
Homeless Man: Heh, yeah, me too. Only when the religious angle isn’t working though. Then I switch to crazy. Now come on, get outta here.

Jesus: This is maddening! Why won’t any of these people believe me?
Vietnam Vet: Hey! Were you the guy talking about all that peace and love stuff?
Jesus: Yes! Yes, of course I was! Would you like to join me in preaching the good word across the lands?
Vietnam Vet: Yeah fuckin’ right man. While you and your spoiled college hippie friends were talking about peace and love and all that bullshit, I was actually out there in Vietnam getting four pieces of shrapnel in my ass!
Jesus: Wait, are you talking about the Vietnam War? Because that was totally Vishnu’s idea. I told him not to do it.
Vietnam Vet: You disgust me. Look at you, 40 years later, and still with the long hair and sandals? Shouldn’t you have kids or something to worry about by now?
Jesus: In a way, all of you are my children.
Vietnam Vet: Oh, great, so you’re one of those free love guys too? Get the hell out of here before I punch you in the face.
Jesus: For Dad’s sake, what is wrong with these people? I can see it’s going to take drastic measures to make believers out of them. I’ll have to perform one of my miracles. You there!
Spoiled Boy: Yeah?
Jesus: Give me that loaf of bread!
Spoiled Boy: What? Oh, hmm, you know what? Yeah, sure. It’s nice to see one of you actually asking for food instead of booze money.
(Jesus takes the loaf of bread and multiplies it into enough loaves to feed 5,000 people. No one notices)
Jesus: …hello? Did anyone see that? I just performed a miracle over here!
Spoiled Boy: What? That’s no miracle. I can do cooler stuff than that on my Wii.
Spoiled Girl: Have you ever seen David Blaine perform? Now he does miracles.
David Blaine: Someone say my name?
Spoiled Girl: Wow! You just appeared out of nowhere! How did you do that?
David Blaine: I’m magic. I can do anything. Now come on, who wants to see me make an ocean disappear?
(A crowd of cheering people follow David Blaine)
Jesus: Augh! These people are infuriating! What will it take to prove to them that it’s really me?
Redneck: I believe it’s you Jesus.
Jesus: Wh-what? Really?
Redneck: Of course! They told me in church you would be coming back someday, and I’m sure everyone in my parish will be just as happy to see you as I am!
Jesus: Dad be praised! Finally! Come, my disciple, let us make haste to your church!
Redneck: Sure thing, Jesus! Right after you kill all the queers!
Jesus: …excuse me?
Redneck: You know, queers! Homosexuals? That Pat Robertson guy told me you hated them more than anyone.
(Jesus sighs and reluctantly returns to heaven, where he hands God $50)
Jesus: You were right, ok? They all thought I was just some homeless guy. Except for this one guy who…well, I don’t really want to talk about it.
God: Ha! I knew it! I told you son, people just aren’t so easily impressed anymore.
Jesus: Yeah, I guess I just thought…I don’t know.
God: Oh, come on, don’t get so down in the dumps. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?
Jesus: Well…do you know if a guy named David Blaine worships us?
God: He’s Jewish. So me, but not you.
Jesus: Great! Then can you sentence him to eternal damnation?
God: Consider it done.