Ten Things I Hate About "Ten Things I Hate About You"

I hate how this movie ripped off Shakespeare,

And then thinks that that makes it so cool.

I hate how each character is part of some clique

That’s not a true depiction of high school.

I hate when Heath Ledger becomes all romantic

And sings that stupid song on the bleacher.

I hate that the leads are predominantly white,

Except for that not funny black English teacher

I hate when the dad wears the fake pregnant belly,

Like come on now, who the hell does that?

I hate that there’s no sex, no nudity, no monsters, no murder—

Not even good physical combat.

I hate that I’ve now seen this goddamn movie

Like twice on Bravo and 17 times on TBS.

I hate that girl from the Secret World of Alex Mack,

She was so much cooler when she was on Nickelodeon, and she morphed into liquid, and she ran away from the guys at the chemical plant, but anyway, now I digress.

I hate that my children will one day watch this movie,

And think it’s a classic like “Annie Hall.”

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate this movie,

Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.