I need an extension on my essay…

…because the amount of material I've uncovered in my research is very extensive, and I'd like a few extra days to study through it all so that I can present a stronger, more coherent argument.

…because I had several other class assignments due today, and I'd like to have time and energy enough to put in the effort that this essay deserves.

…because the college's unrecycled printer paper is an affront to Gaia, the earth mother. Did you even watch Fern Gully?

…because Coach says he can get your skinny ass fired if you fail me out of the playoffs. Championship train, baby! Woo woo!

…because… okay, wow, hang on… you ever wake up drunker than you went to bed?


I did not eat the food your parents sent you…

… that would be a selfish and totally insensitive act, and I hope you know me better than that.

… I've been sick, so I haven't had much of an appetite.

… I thought they sent it for me. I knew your dad back in the war, and well… your generation never could understand.

… You know, the Nazis used to accuse the Jews of crimes they didn't commit. Does that remind you of anyone, Mister Adolf Hitler?

… I don't like Guatemalan food. I don't even like Guatemalan people.


We should have sex…

… because you're the most amazing, wonderful person I've ever known, and I only want to be with you, now and forever.

… because after the accident, I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to get close to another person ever again. Until I found you.

… because I'm BORED, okay?

… please oh please oh pleeeeeeaasseee… (sobbing) …I'm so looooonnelllllly…

… because as long as you're trapped in my basement you're going to live by my rules.


I didn't go to the blood drive…

… because I'm anemic.

… because I'm… hang on, let me pull up their website… yeah, anemic, that's it.

… Two words: Robo-AIDS.

… Dread Lord Xenoth gives no blood. Dread Lord Xenoth takes blood.

… Turns out you can just buy fruit juice and cookies at the store!


I got you a gift certificate to Spencer's Gifts for your birthday…

… I don't know that much about you, but I know you look like an asshole.