25 Things I Wish Were True About Me

1) On the day I was born, the sky was red and oracles the world over quaked, saying, “The Great One is here.”

2) Ian Fleming once had a vision about my life and was then inspired to write the James Bond series.

3) Until the age of five, I spoke German-living in a society that infact lost World War Two. When I turned six, I went back and time andbroached the idea of D-Day to the Allies.

4) Lawrence of Arabia was my grandfather.

5) I once made eye contact with Chuck Norris, and he shat his pants in terror.

6) I have a bestselling series of novels about a superhero group in Houston, and it is being adapted for a cartoon on HBO.

7) Obama’s presidential bid was based on a bet we had on Teddy Roosevelt’s claim that the piranha is the fiercest fish.

8) When I was 16, I traveled back in time and suggested to V.I. Lenin that maybe he should check out a guy named Karl Marx.

9) I know how to recite “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner” in sixteen languages, including ancient Greek and Sanskrit.

10) I own fifty-seven Aston Martin DB-5s. Every birthday I have, I wreck one with a sledgehammer in celebration.

11) I am the next Buddha.

12) I live life in such a manner that makes Hemingway look like a monk.

13) Vladimir Putin comes to me for political advice.

14) I am, in actuality, Odin.

15) I suggested that George Lucas make the prequels-just to cheese off the uber-fans.

16) I own a pack of wolves, and they act as my honor guards.

17) One day, I was bored, so I created life on Mars and then destroyed it.

18) I know that the Mona Lisa was created by Quetzacoatl, and the Mayan pyramids were, unlike Rome, built in a day.

19) I invented the Internet.

20) I don’t resemble George Costanza, George Costanza resembles me.

21) On the second Saturday of every month, I create golems and have a parade in downtown Knoxville.

22) I am the object of worship in a four-hundred square mile area in the Amazon rainforest.

23) The character Milo Minderbender was inspired by my life.

24) When I was four years old, I burned down a neo-Nazi meeting place.

25) I am legend.