"Issue Ninety-Five" by 105%-O-Matic

Tastes like snozzberries.

I got punched in the face last week and it really hurt my feelings. Especially the feelings in my face.

-Mark S

I think that if I were to brainstorm action movie titles, I would just open my Physics book. Look, page 24, and we already have SIGMA FORCE and MASS ACCELERATION.

-Eric H.

I'm not a stalker. I'm a freelance anthropologist.

-Tommunist Tomlet

I bought an Amazon Kindle this week because I'm always looking for new and cutting-edge ways to not read.

-Patrick Cassels

Chemistry class

I was falling asleep in chemistry class when the professor called on me if I knew the chemical formula for nitrous oxide. I was mad that he woke me up so I screamed, "NO!" and somehow I got an A.

-Paul LaCount

All Rorschach tests look the same to me. It looks like a bunch of ink on a sheet of paper. And the ink is killing people.

-Tory Terzian

Only really poor people buy lottery tickets, and i guess really really rich people too.

-Marty Reggi

Why is it that when I watch all the seasons of South Park back-to-back, it's called a "marathon," yet when I run 26 miles and stab 15 people along the way, it's called a "spree?"

-James Turner