1. Indiana Jones (Raiders of the Lost Ark/Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)
Indiana Jones really should have just stayed as far away as possible from Nazis (pretty much a good lesson for anyone). Did he manage to do anything to them? Well, they did manage to kill themselves by pissing off God when they opened the Ark of the Covenant while Indiana shut his eyes and thought happy thoughts about museums and how creepy his students were. Did Indiana really need to be there for that? Plus, if he hadn't interfered, maybe they would have gone back to Germany and presented it to Hitler. Indiana Jones may have saved Hitler. And did Indiana really need to LEAD
the Nazis to the temple where the Holy Grail was hidden? The evil Nazi-loving businessman aged himself to death by accident, and then the Holy Grail was lost forever while the old knight stared daggers at Indiana, thinking "Man, I've been waiting here for a thousand years for this
The Real Hero: God
What It Should Have Been Called: Indiana Jones and the Nazis Who Thought They Could Outsmart God
2. Humanity (War of the Worlds)
The aliens get sick from bacteria and all died. Nothing Tom Cruise (or the rest of humanity) does matters at all. So he might as well have just chilled in a basement and tried to figure out a less half-assed way to kill Hitler. It's like Independence Day, except instead of battling the aliens, everyone sat around doing nothing.
The Real Hero: Bacteria
What It Should Have Been Called: My Excuse For Not Showering Today
3. Harry Potter (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows)
In the epic finale to the Harry Potter series (which took over ten years to get to), there is a final, mano-a-mano showdown between Voldemort, the lord of all evil and the most brilliant and devious schemer ever, and Harry Potter, occasionally whiny teen whose claim to fame is a little scar on his head. How does Harry defeat the ultimate evil? By standing there and not doing anything, of course. It's really what he does best look through the entire series. Pretty much everything meaningful comes from someone else making a huge sacrifice or Harry accidentally doing something right. Hell, Harry was bravely playing possum when Neville stood up and destroyed the last Horcrux. Not to mention Harry would have died multiple times over if not for his "love shield" created by the sacrifices of others. And then
the entire series led up to an elaborate accidental suicide. Awesome.
The Real Hero: Pretty much every character but Harry
What It Should Have Been Called: Harry Potter and the Rich British Author Who Knew Everyone Would Buy This No Matter What
4. Batman (Batman Begins)
Batman discovers his evil mentor is on a train and, if that train makes it to Wayne Tower, the whole city will be destroyed. So he (growlingly) tells Jim Gordon to drive around in his experimental Batmobile (which Gordon has never driven) and try to blow up the train (without telling him which buttons to use) while he pointlessly fights Liam Neeson on the train for no reason. Jim Gordon blows up the tracks and saves the day while Batman goes to wait for a more interesting villain to show up.
The Real Hero: Jim Gordon
What It Should Have Been Called: Batman Begins To Require A Lozenge
5. Luke Skywalker (Return of the Jedi)
While an epic battle rages outside, Luke battles with his daddy issues. Luke managed to semi-redeem the most terrible person ever while the fate of the galaxy hung in the balance outside. But really
this is the dude who helped blow up an entire planet and killed untold numbers of good guys. Maybe Luke should have been out there helping the Rebellion (as he was the only one to ever blow up a Death Star before) to ensure that the Empire got crushed once and for all. Because, ya know, Lando ended up blowing up the Death Star against some pretty rough odds, which would have killed Vader and the Emperor all the same, and with a lot less whining and speechifying. Luke could have at least helped out the Ewoks. Or just not reveal that the biggest baddie in the galaxy was an old white guy.
The Real Hero: Lando, Wedge, a bunch of Ewoks
What It Should Have Been Called: Return of the Easily-Destroyed Death Star
Thanks to Susanna Wolff for correcting my nerd-facts