Ode to the college house party

There are few rights of passage as memorable in college as your first house party. You and 9 other freshman walking in a mob like Moses leading the Israelites. Whose party is this? Ricky’s sister’s friend from high school? Ok. And who is Ricky? As you approach that orange fencing, hear the music blaring, and see marvel of modern engineering that is the 3-story tall beer bong, you know college is finally here. Then you enter the house, attempt to find a cup, and make your way to the keg. What’s this? No cups? Fine, just take a used one and wash it out at the sink. No soap is necessary, just a quick rinse.

Now its time for the keg line, 12 arms stretched out over each other, hoping to be next. And who is the master of these arms? The guy manning the tap. He’s the Pope, no he’s King, no he’s fucking Jesus. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. Here’s a tip. Help tap guy pump. Then you’re like tap guy’s sidekick. He’ll get you next. Just as long as no one says it. No one better say those two words. The two most powerful words in the house party dictionary: “House beer”. If tap guy is Jesus, house beer guy is God. Your Grandma could be next in line for a beer, but if someone calls “house”, you better believe she’s waiting. Sorry Gam Gam, but I have fill up this extra large Taco Bell “Pirates of the Caribbean” cup for J-Bone before you.

Ok you got your beer, now let’s find your friends. Where’s that Karen girl you wanted to talk to? Upstairs taking shots in J-Bone’s room? Shit. You hate J-Bone. Wait what? You’re up next for beer pong? Sweet. you rock at pong. You won 7 straight games at Wakanaw Island during prom weekend. What the hell, you’re getting smoked. These guys you’re playing have trick plays and signals and shit. Ok, you made one. At least you won’t get shut out and have to streak around the house. Man you got crushed. And Karen saw.

What’s that Karen’s drinking? Purple drink? What’s in it? No idea? You better get some of that then! Man this purple drink is delicious. You don’t even care it’s stained your lips and all over your Hollister polo. All you know is you fucking love purple drink. Shit! The cops are walking by the house. You better put your purple drink down. Wait, they’re walking by? Not coming in? They must not be able to cross the orange fencing. What strange and mystical powers does this orange fence have? And this sign above me “Must be 21 to drink” why are they all around? Wait! You finally get it! The orange fence, the signs, they’re to cops what holy water is to vampires! Holy shit, I got my purple drink and my orange fence, and I am invincible! I fucking love college!

Ok, you just had 4 cups of purple drink. Did a hit off the octo-beer bong that the engineer students made, put your mouth up against the ice luge that’s melting from everyone else’s mouth. You’re feeling pretty good. You’re feeling REALLY good? Wait, what’s this song? Journey? Your mom and dad listen to that. Why are they playing this? Why is everyone singing? Well maybe it is a little catchy. Don’t stop, believing! Holy shit! This song RULES! You fucking LOVE Journey! Ok shit, there’s Karen. You better spit the A game. “Heeey Karen…you live on my flooooor”. Oh real smooth Casanova. Wait, she’s hanging all over you! “You’re cuuuute.” That’s fucking right, you are cute. Hell, you’re the best looking dude in this party! Wait, you’re making out! Wow, that was easy! You fucking LOOOOVE purple drink!

Ok, now you gotta be smooth. Think of a reason to walk back to the dorm with Karen. “AW MAN, THE KEGS TAPPED”. Really? Holy hell. It’s like the planets are aligning for just you! Where’s your Karen’s roommate? She made Karen promise they would leave together! There she is! Let’s go! Let’s run across the street! Wow, this is like when you’re watching COPS! Ok, you gotta stop for pizza. You could eat 57 slices of pizza right now. No lie. Holy shit. This is the best pizza you have ever had in your life! You would kill a homeless man for this pizza. You would sell your mom to sex traffickers for this pizza. Ok, get back to the dorm. Why does this elevator smell like urine? Ok it’s your floor. Time to take Karen back to your room. Wait a minute. She doesn’t look so good. Uh oh. Why is she stopping at the trash cans? Oh F! Is she puking?! What is that? Purple? Fuck! I hate you purple drink! We’ll better let the roomie take care of her. Time to crash. Guess what, its Friday. You get to do it all again tomorrow.