What Stuff On Your Résumé Really Means

Come on, we’ve all embellished a little bit on our CVs. But sometimes we just translate real life into more professional-sounding descriptions…

What you wrote: Enjoys art cinema.
What you meant: Enjoys porn.

What you wrote: Class President.
What you meant: Class Clown.

What you wrote: Avid reader.
What you meant: Subscriber to over 30 monthly porn magazines.

What you wrote: Enjoys travel.
What you meant: Enjoys waking up in strange places.

What you wrote: Published writer.
What you meant: Playboy printed your joke.

What you wrote: 4.0 GPA.
What you meant: Slept with Professor.

What you wrote: Volunteered at soup kitchen.
What you meant: Got busted peeing in public. Did community service at soup kitchen.

What you wrote: Interest in construction and mechanics.
What you meant: Built your own octabong.

What you wrote: Reliable driver with clean license.
What you meant: Have often bribed traffic cops with weed money.

What you wrote: Spent one semester studying in Italy.
What you meant: Spent one semester high in your hometown neighbor’s basement. Your parents didn’t even know you were in town.

What you wrote: Interest in alternative medicine.
What you meant: Interest in weed.

What you wrote: Barista at Starbucks. Reason for leaving: To pursue academia.
What you meant: Got paid to drink free hangover cures at Starbucks. Reason for leaving: Fired for doing whip-its.

What you wrote: References: Larry Nichols, manager at Starbucks.
What you meant: References: Your roommate Jeff.

What you wrote: References: Professor McLaren, Head of English Literature.
What you meant: References: Your roommate Jeff with a British accent.