Letter to everyone who's stuff I vaguely remember stealing.

We’ve all woken up from a long and prosperous night of drinking to find that somehow we ended the night with an array of goods we did not begin with. In some of those instances we may actually remember, to a varying degree, robbing your ass blind.

I feel it would only be fair for me to offer my apologies to the individuals whose belongings I have either ingested or in some way consumed, pawned or traded for cash or other likely stolen goods, or have just completely degraded.

If you are reading this then you know who you are so there is no need to mention your name and make you feel somewhat special.

Sorry for stealing that picture of your mom. You probably won’t be wanting that back

Sorry for stealing all of the food out of your freezer. If it’s any consolation I had to ditch most of it because it was way too cold to carry back to my place.

Sorry for stealing your clothes hamper. If you’re still looking for it I think I threw it on your roof, and I think I have one of your socks.

Sorry for stealing the landscaping truck from campus. That was a Jose Cuervo night and I’m still hearing about the joyride that left many a bush in disarray to this day.

Sorry for stealing those sweet Adirondack chairs from the courtyard, they are friggin’ Sweet though.

Sorry for stealing your bag of nugs. Those were sweet too! 

Sorry for stealing the keys to god knows what. I’m sure you must be pissed about that.

Sorry for stealing your Wii Controller. I don’t even have a fuckin’ Wii, but it seemed like a clever idea at the time.

Sorry for stealing your coffee maker and the can of Folgers. I honestly didn’t know you kept money and nugs in there.

Last but not least, sorry for stealing that article about stealing stuff that you were gonna submit to College Humor, sucker!