Your Future Wedding Thoughts

Oh my God… will someone please attempt to explain to me what the Hell is going on here? Oh shit, what have I done? It’s not too late to take this back is it? Oh man… I never wanted to see you for more than one night, let alone be standing here… at the altar with you. That dress looks hideous by the way. Please tell me it’s not too late to take this all back… Oh God, I promise I’ll be a good person, just don’t let this be done already… Oh thanks God! The priest is just getting around to asking you if “you do.” Ah damn… you do.

“No, I’m sorry, but I don’t.” Of course I’m serious – who the Hell jokes about that at their wedding? I’m about as serious as the inevitable case of herpes that stripper probably gave me last night at my bachelor party. It was worth it though. “Why? Here’s probably not the best place to talk about it… what with your entire family having flown in… and your friends all sitting there.” Your best friend Rachel is looking smoking hot by the way.

Well I do care if they hear. This isn’t going to be pleasant for your father… he hates me already. “No, not here; not now. We’ll talk later.” Awesome – now you’re crying. That’s so perfect. “Fine, I’ll tell you right here. Don’t say I didn’t warn you though.” Oh man, this is a speeding train wreck about to happen. Buckle up kids, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!

“First off, I feel like I don’t even know you, and I have absolutely no desire to do so. Sure, I know your body, but not you. I mean, if it wasn’t for the copious amounts of liquor I consumed at the bar, I would have never even talked to you, let alone brought you home. Do you realize how much alcohol it takes to drown out the nonsense bullshit you apparently think I care about? Well according to my tab, it takes about 4 Long Island Iced Teas, 2 Jaeger Bombs, 2 Scotch On The Rocks, and to top it all off – a Flaming Dr. Pepper. Do you realize how much alcohol that is, even for me? By all means I could have, no, I should have, died. Hell, I wish I had, rather than take you back to my place.”

Ha, the look on your face is so priceless right now… it’s the same bewildered and confused one that’s been etched onto you permanently, but now there’s a hint of anger and shock mixed in. Oh yeah, where was I? “You never shut the Hell up, yet you still have yet to manage to utter one intelligent statement.” Oh wow, don’t prove my point or anything – you just said you can ˜talk smart, but you just don’t listened to me.’ Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox! It’s ˜listen!’ Not past tense. “You have about as much common sense as you do money you made without Daddy’s help.” Oh God, you can’t have gotten confused by that little riddle… “The answer, pumpkin, is very little to none! I say very little because I’m sure you made a few bucks whoring yourself out in college.”

Ouch, that was even mean by my standards. Hell, who am I kidding? I have no standards. If I had standards, I wouldn’t be standing here. I’m a business school graduate, working for one of the top marketing companies in the area, as a regional manager. I like to think I’m a good looking guy. I dress nicely while going out, in my pressed button down shirts and nice new Levi’s or Dockers. But even all of that could not save me from my drunken dumpster diving in women. “I wish you hadn’t left me your number on my pillow the next morning after we hooked up at my place after going to the bar. It would have saved us so much trouble. I was so tempted to rip it up, but for some reason, most likely due to the fact that I was a 23 year old guy in his sexual prime, I decided to call you. And by call you, I mean use you as a booty call. Oh how you were so obliging.” What’s that stare supposed to mean? How can you look at me with that face that clearly reads ˜I’m not a whore’ when it’s so evident you are? I mean, I would constitute someone who comes over purely for sexual activity and bringing me beer, a whore. Maybe just an attention whore, but a whore nonetheless. This is such a Kodak moment… I wish I had a camera to record the faces of everyone here, right now!

“But after a couple years, you somehow trapped me. Oh, if ever the was a thing you actually excelled at, it was manipulation and cornering someone. Well… that, and certain sexual acts… but mainly the former. It started out with casual and innocent little lines dropped. First you started on the small talk about how we’d been ˜dating’ for so long. I say that with a sarcastic tone, because I don’t think we ever dated. We had sex. You drove me home from bars when I couldn’t walk. I used you, and you imagined we were in love. A win-win situation for both of us! But you had to go and ruin that.” Why the Hell do you keep turning to everyone sitting in the pews as if you’re looking for support? Do you expect someone to tell you they never saw this coming? Even your best friends knew I was never interested in you… but that’s probably because I slept with all of them too.

“Then you started taking your little comments further, mentioning the carats of diamonds you like, and the month you want to get married in, and referring to ˜our future together.’ Unless our future involved you making me some food, picking me up from the bar, and then helping me get a good night’s sleep, I wasn’t really interested in hearing about it.” Uh oh, there goes that confused look on your face again. “By ˜a good night’s sleep’ I mean us having sex.” Okay, now you seem to be following along again… let us continue.

“So one day, and I’m sure you remember the day well, you picked me up from the bar where I was hoping to meet an interesting girl and leave you for her… but I was unsuccessful, unfortunately. That night you told me we were no longer having sex, nor were you going to be my driver, until I popped the question. Even though through the alcohol I couldn’t see my fingers in front of my face, I detected that ˜the question’ had nothing to do with you, me, and the cute girl who lived across the street. So what did I do? Did I laugh in your face and stumble to my car to drive away and never look back?” No, I didn’t… oh how much trouble that would have saved. “Did I make my way over to the cute girl across the street’s house and invite myself in?” I’ll have to pay her a visit once I get out of this church. “Did I stare at you, unmoving, until you finally said ˜just kidding!’ and followed me back to your bed?” It’s a shame you probably would have never even done that… You would have thought I was challenging you to a staring contest or something. “No. Unfortunately, I screwed myself over, and asked you to marry me.” At least by screwing myself over, though, you decided to screw me again.

“But even after all that, I still had the last 4 months to back out. I could’ve pulled a ˜Runaway Bride,’ and just left. I could’ve buried you in the backyard. Hell, I could’ve just called this wedding off… but I didn’t. I have a nagging feeling that it had something to do with the innumerable amounts of hard liquor and beer I consumed, but I didn’t cancel our wedding and break it off with you. Shit, I even went to those stupid meetings with the wedding planner.” Again, how the Hell is it that once I’m engaged, every other woman looks so extremely hot? “Why the Hell would I care if we got a blue and purple floral arrangement, or if our invitations were written in some shitty little calligraphy that nobody can read anyway? As long as there was an open bar, I was letting you call the shots.” Ha, that was sneaky… open bar… shots. You’re so funny, it’s no wonder all girls want you!

“So I guess it’s only fair now to let you know how I feel, rather than go through the inevitable divorce that I’d file for in a couple days and a lengthy settlement. There’s no way in Hell you’re getting your hands on my Beemer. I don’t care if I still have a loan on the 540, it’s mine, and I’m keeping it. In all honestly, I can’t stand you.” Well, actually, that’s not totally honest. I suppose I can stand a few parts of your body… but there are only three of them, and quite frankly, I’m getting tired of them. “Every part of your personality screams ˜I’m an immature attention whore!’ I mean, I guess I’d classify you as a beautiful girl. A high four-star, if not a five-star even, but I’ve found myself more and more attracted to those girls they show on the before and after effects of meth, than you.” Quit looking around for support, everyone knows how I feel. Your Dad just gave me a little nod. Even your own father, whose seed created you, acknowledges that you still posses the emotional and social maturity of a preschooler. Hey, if you keep standing there with your mouth open, maybe something intelligent will come out!

“Well, I guess I’ll wrap this little escapade up. In all seriousness, it’s been a fun little ride, but I need to get off this train. There’s a bottle of Grey Goose and a hot bartender waiting in the reception hall, and she has my name tattooed all over her face and pants. I wish you the best, and I hope you find a guy that truly loves you for who you are… a sex addicted attention whore with the personality and verbal skills of a comatose patient. Well, I take that back… a comatose patient could be a genuinely nice and interesting person. You’re more like a brick… just useless. Hmm… I take that back as well – at least I could bash myself in the face with a brick, instead of listening to you. Anyways, I’m beginning to ramble, you get the point.” Seriously, there’s an open bar… meaning free drinks… meaning I need to get out of here as soon as possible!

“Now if you all will excuse me, my drunkenness is beginning to wear off, so I’m gonna head out of here and drink the last couple years away. Enjoy all of our wedding gifts… you can keep them.” Besides, I opened them up earlier and shoddily rewrapped them. They’re all trash. Seriously, why the Hell does everyone think we need a toaster? Like we haven’t made toast since we started dating, or whatever it is we did? “Oh, and to my almost mother-in-law and father-in-law, thank you for this wedding. It looks like it was very expensive. Seems like a big waste now in the whole big picture, but it was fun for a few minutes, right? I’m out of here though. Goodnight everyone.”