On a Zombie Invasion!

You know it's gonna come, you just don't know when. When it does, you better damn well be prepared! If they come and you're not ready, I doubt you'll get the necessary items to survive. If zombie movies, zombie books, and games of Humans Vs Zombies has taught me ANYTHING, it is that to survive you will need the following:

1 (MUCHO IMPORTANTE): Guns. You need a TON OF FREAKING GUNS! How else are you gonna blast the unliving daylights out of those suckers? Sure, The Zombie Survival Guide says to carry a machete for unlimited ammo purposes, but you know you'd rather have a nice, big shotgun and see the blood splatter all over that wall.
Reccomended guns: shotgun (really your choice on what kind), assault rifle (like an M16). Bring extra ammo.

Edit: You can completely skip #2 and just carry even more ammo. Just be wary that most guns do make noise, and zombies are attracted to it. Also, you can raid gun stores for more ammo. -By suggestion of Solomele

2 (ALSO VERY IMPORTANT): Melee Weapons. You will run out of ammo. And it will suck. Unless you have a badass melee weapon. The cool thing about melee weapons is that they can be much faster than short range guns, and can kill a ton more zombies with a single attack. So, the choices are: swords/knives, axes, hammers, and 'holy shit where the fuck did you get that?!?!' weapons.

Knives: Get rid of them. They're just too damn short. 

Swords: decent if you have enough swinging power to generate a load of force with a large sword. Go with this if you're experienced with swords. 

Axes: You got your classic wood splitting axe, you got your butchering axe, and you got your epic battle axes. Those with superior upper body strength, go with the battle axe. Those of little strength, don't get an axe.

Hammers: AKA maces. Pretty much the same as axes, but you get that satisfying feeling of bashing a skull in.

'ZOMGWTFBQQWHEREDIDYOUGETTHAT?!?!': These are your standard home made weapons, special military weapons, and things you're not sure how you came to own them. It's really up to you how to use them. Just don't kill yourself.

3: Water (MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE FIRST TWO. ACTUALLY, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. I JUST KNEW THAT IF I PUT WATER AS 1, YOU'D ALL BE BORED). You need water to survive. Even without zombies. But if you go without your own supply of water, you'll probably run into infected sources of water when you need a drink. Infected water=death. Get your own supply. If you're in a group of 5+, make sure 2 people are solely responsible for carrying as much water as they can.

4: Food (IMPORTANT, BUT NOT VITAL). Bring some quick food. Nothing that makes you thirsty or salty, though. A couple cans of soup, maybe some energy bars. In the end, though, you can always go into a supermarket and take some of the food in there. Since most of it is in a box/can/etc anyways, it probably won't be infected.

5: Drugs. Painkillers, aspirin, speed, ritalin, stuff that will either make you forget your own pain or help you focus on dealing out pain. It'll make your whole zombie experience a better one. Don't bring hallucinogens, though. They will make you kill other humans.

6: Toilet Paper. Well, you don't need it, but I doubt you want to walk around with crap all up in your crack. Bring one or two rolls, then start taking from the stores.

7: Sex Toys. Your sexual urges WILL catch up to you. Now, I'm just going assume most of you aren't homos, so no gay buttsex. Also, we don't want the females to get preggo, so no go there. So bring a fleshlight, blow up doll, dildo, vibrator, whatever. You'll thank me when it happens.

8: Tampons. Since I talked about women, I guess they'll need tampons. We don't want them bleeding everywhere and the zombies following the trail, now do we?

Edit: I guess zombies can smell menstruation, so a better suggestion would be a crapton of antipreggo pills. -By suggestion of Mike, correction by Mallorie B.

9: Camera. Record your journey. If you make it out, you'll be an epic hero and makes loads of money with your movie.

You should probably stock up on all of this soon. You never know when those sons of bitches will start to rise. But if you do have all of these things, you'll be damn well ready for them!