Man, I know that Nip/Tuck has their whole thing with naming episodes after characters getting surgery, but they really could have had a heydey with this one. Of the many I considered while watching the show (The Replacements; Die, Mommie, Die), I think the best route they could have taken would have been Pussy Lips III: DreamCancer Warriors.
The show opens with Liz trying on the ugliest wedding dress I have ever seen in my life. It's old and satin with lace sleeves and it has a bunch of hideous rosettes at the neckline. It looks like it weights a thousand pounds. It is uglier than this dress:
Liz doesn't fit in the dress, which was apparently worn by her mother and her mother's mother before her. She is literally spilling out of this dress. Her boobs look like water balloons about to pop. It's uglier than this:
In the consult seats now, though, are Allegra Calderello (aka Pussy Lips) and her husband, who has prostate cancer and wants Allegra to get a bunch of surgery so that she can "go back on the market" after he dies. (Christian is also dying, in case you forgot. MORTALITY. I bet Liz's mom kicks it too. It's like a cancer orgy up in this bitch.) Allegra's husband still doesn't know that they reconstructed her lips with flesh from her vagina, and he can't stop going on about how much he loves her lips, which is really too bad, because that is straight-up vagina flesh, unmitigated except by lip gloss, probably. He thinks the skin came from her boobs, so she's been lying to him pretty hardcore for a while now. I know what some "feminists" (ugly women) might say: It serves him right for hating her vagina so much that he won't touch it, plus he's preparing her for some sort of weird arranged marriage thing, which is obviously patriarchal and therefore Bad, but I'll argue that I wouldn't want to be lied to for a long time about what I was putting my mouth on. Women are scheming and sinful.
Also when her husband leaves the room to pee, Allegra is like, "You know, I saw the episode of the TV show about me, and I was really upset by it, especially the part about her dad abusing her," and at the same time that Sean's trying to apologize to her, Christian's like, "Business is business, biatch!" But then she's like, "HOW DID YOU KNOW?!?" and it's actually the funniest abuse victim confession I think I've ever heard. Also I guess this is one example of why they're calling this Season 5 still. They rarely mention things that happened in earlier seasons, so if they wanted to keep mentioning the whole "we were totally recently working television stars" thing regularly, they sort of had to make this an extension of Season 5. Anyway, Allegra looks busted, sure, but she still doesn't look even almost as bad as Liz's dress.
Rival anesthesiologists Teddy Roosevelt and Liz "Heinous Wedding Dress" Cruz meet in the kitchen (because they're women and that's the only room in which they're allowed) to make conciliatory gestures and talk about the possibility of Teddy being gay. To me this means that Teddy is either 1) fronting just to make an effort to bond with Liz, which would be sweet, or 2) already incredibly bored with Sean. Maybe he should try pretending he's crippled again.
Christian surgerizes Liz and tells Sean that he's planning on taking her and Wilbur to Italy, so he's going to interview replacements. Sean is like, "Why don't I get to go to Italy?!" and Christian is like, "Because's I'm dying, damnit!" and Sean is like, "How can I love you but hate your cancer so much?" Christian talks about money in the same way that Mr. Calderello did, as security for his family. While Mr. Calderello wants Allegra to remarry so that she'll be supported, Christian wants to interview someone to buy out his share of the practice so that Liz and Wilbur can live off that money (and Liz's salary, which would probably be enough to support her and a small, adorable child, but whatev). He wants his family to be taken care of by the wealth he's accumulated by being awesome at surgery, and Mr. Calderello wants his wife to be taken care of by giving blow jobs with her awesome dick sucking vagina lips, also courtesy of Christian's awesome surgery. Sean is extremely saddened by the idea of Christian interviewing replacements/dying pretty soon. Never one for empathy, Teddy is like, "Either ride the wave or get smashed to death on the rocks" (hang-ten gesture), and Sean's like, "That's easy for you to say. He's my brother," and Christian's birth certificate is like, "No "
The guy Christian is interviewing to be his replacement is a total gay or something. He's way into interior design, so either the doctor's a gay or the writers really want the set designer to feel like he's a special little snowflake. There are gratutitously lingering shots of Christian's green tweed couch. That already sounds dirty somehow and we haven't even gotten to the good part yet.
Christian suggets to Sean that they hire Dr. Sofa King (TM Chase Mitchell). Sean seems hesitant, but Christian assures him that the odds of this guy also being part of an incestuous brother-sister rape team are extremely small. Sean is surgerizing Allegra at this point, and Dr. King shows up in the operating room and is like, "HOLY SHIT I LOVE YOUR TABLE!!!" Christian peaces out, leaving Sean and his replacement alone. Sean does mostly everything, with Dr. King watching and saying, "Good work, Doctor," a lot and generally acting like he's probably lying about his medical degree. I don't know. I have a theory that he's just pretending to be a doctor because he's gay for Sean. He probably saw him on TV or something. He's probably the new Colleen Rose. Sean should really start checking people's credntials more. He invites Sean out for drinks after the surgery, and Sean is like, "I'd love to, but I have to go scout out locations for Christian's bachelor party. It's going to be totally lame and boring and, like, full of naked chicks," and Dr. King is like, "Cool, mind if I tag along?" and Sean is like, "Actually, I sort of do."
Cheated out of wallowing alone in his going-to-lose-Christian-soon sorrow, Sean glumly gets a lap dace next to his new partner and watches bros in true brove act out their bromances all over the strip club. Dr. King mostly admires the glassware. In all seriousness, though, WTF is up with bromance lately? It's more fashionable than pomegranate these days, I swear to God. If Judd Apatow makes one more movie that actually contains the dialogue, "I'm really glad we're friends, man." "Me too, dude, you're really cool," I'm going to drive to California and give him a little lesson about showing instead of telling. With my fists. Also this new doctor is really hilariously obsessed with interior decorating. He actually says of a restaurant, "It's really tastefully decorated." So I guess at least they're writing him to talk like Patrick Bateman.
I may have forgotten to mention this, but during her surgery, Christian made Liz's boobs smaller than she'd wanted. When she sees them for the first time after the surgery, she's disappointed with the fact that they're more pints than jugs. Her Cuban mother is like, "Ay Dios mio! Boobitas!" and tells Liz to tell Christian that she's in charge of her own body. Except for her mouth, I guess, because Liz repeats it to Christian. You guys, I think Liz might have a bad relationship with her mom. To substantiate my inference, Christian presents Liz with a new, less ugly dress that he bought her, and her mom still wants her to wear the ugly one.
Christian lets Dr. King into his office and foolishly welcomes him to "make [him]self at home." The first thing Dr. King does is lick his desk. The second thing he does is fuck the couch. Remind me to never go to Dr. King's house. Seriously, though, this is officially my favorite thing ever. It's so much less redundant than what I was imagining. Sean and Christian walk into the room as he's fucking the couch and they're both like, "Whatever, I guess?" [Chase: "I mean, it's not like the couch was sewn together from other couches or anything."] Okay, and so I used to date this guy who used to masturbate this way, by fucking his couch. It wasn't quite the same thing, because he wasn't in love with his couch (as far as I know), but anyway every time it came up in conversation I would play this video. And then break up with him.
Dr. King tries to explain his object love to Sean and Christian. Sean looks at the couch and is like, "Hmm " is having trouble not laughing, it seems. I can't tell if it's Dylan Walsh or the character having trouble not laughing, because it's not super obvious or anything, and I like to imagine that they did like 45 takes of this scene and he couldn't stop laughing at the idea the whole time. Also Christian kicks Dr. King out, and on his way out, he glances longingly at the surgical table. What a card.
Allegra is in recovery (not looking all that much better, if you ask me), and Mr. Calderello brings her a new suitor. The dude is old and runs a butchery. Now, I'm not saying that Ryan Murphy is necessarily watching me through some manner of magical snowglobe, but I went to see Fiddler on the Roof this past Saturday (I know, I'm a nerd, you can STFU), and in that musical the protagonist, Tevye, arranges a marraige between his oldest daughter, Tzeitel, and the town butcher, who is this gross old dude, and when she finds out about it she's all, "What." And that is exactly what's happening here. Also, obviously anthropomorphisizing furniture is the opposite of objectifying women, so cool dichotomy, writers. This episode is all "institution of marriage" this and "replacing people with other people" that. Often at the same time.
At the most ethnically and sexually diverse wedding shower in history, Liz opens presents and herself presents some boobs that still look pretty big to me. I don't know what she was bitching about. Nurse Linda is awarded speaking lines 3,4, and 5 of the season, and Liz cries when one of her friends gives her a set of pans with a lifetime guarantee. Everyone thinks that she's mad PMSing until she tells them all that Christian's dying of cancer. Then her mom's like, "Oh, so THAT'S why he's marrying you! I was wondering, what with him being an apparently non-gay doctor and you being the single fattest, ugliest, most worthless person in the entire world." Nurse Linda stands up, clears her throat, and recites, "I think we should all leave." Backstage, her teacher gives her a thumbs-up, which causes Nurse Linda to beam proudly even though her character has no motivation for doing so. Liz tells them to stay and then starts filibustering about what an inept mother she has. Throughout the entire harangue there's this butch lesbian staring at Liz's mom with this really disappointed look on her face, which is pretty hilarious and the only really entertaining thing in the scene besides the conspicuousness of Liz's cleavage.
Then, in one of the more comical scenes of the season, Sean is overseeing the couch cleaning when Dr. King literally pops out from behind the desk and says, "Let me pay for the cleaning!" Christian and Sean are both like, "Frankly, I'm impressed that you've apparently been hiding in here since last night," but they still kick him out, and Christian makes a funny face when he leaves.
Allegra has finally fully recovered, and is all made up and wearing a fancy dress. Mr. Calderello tells her that she looks good, but I think she looks sort of like LIza Minelli. She definitely looks younger than he does now.
Wilbur practices for the wedding by carrying around the ring bearer pillow while wearing his adorable baby tuxedo. So effing cute. I want to eat that little boy in a stew. Liz and Christian watch him and smile bittersweetly, hating Christian's cancer with every fibre of their beings, and Liz says that her mom "has been replaced" by Christian and Wilbur, who are her family now. One third of the family is a mute black baby, one third is a lesbian, and one third is going to die in like four months. They have to qualify for an Extreme Home Makeover.
Sean is inexplicably watching a digital video on his computer of him, Christian, and Julia when they were freshmen in college, smoking pot. Because obviously they had digital video cameras in 1983/of course Sean took his old film of him smoking pot to a camera shop of some sort and had it converted to digital format. Why are they trying to make me crazy with their anachronisms? Teddy shows up for the second time this episode to tell Sean, "You won't lose me. I know I can't replace him, but it's the best I have to offer." I would never have pegged Teddy for actual relationship material, and while I appreciate the sentiment, if she wants to convince anyone that he won't lose her, she should probably consider hanging out for more than three minutes per episode.
Next Week: NIP/TUCK SPECIAL EVENT!!! It appears to be My Best Friend's Wedding + Futurama + Dracula 2000, and I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT.