"Cookie Monster Is a Perverted Drug Addict"

Is anyone as unfamiliar with "disco Sesame Street" as me? It is one of those phenomena that everyone seems to be "in" on, so I embarked on a mission to educate myself in the disco stylings of Cookie Monster and his friends (all of the following tunes can be easily located on YouTube).

My findings:

"LOST ME COOKIE AT THE DISCO"

A funked-up Cookie Monster, backed by Shaft-esque vocals, laments losing his cookies at the disco, which I truly believe is a metaphor for contracting syphilis at Studio 54. According to my sources, and my source is a big glass of wine in hand, that "confectionary sugar" on Cookie's chin is high-grade cocaine. Cookie, what in the hell?

"RUBBER DUCKIE"

The most accurate way to describe this song is DISTURBING and … inexplicably EROTIC. Let's take a look at the last 50 seconds of the song, featuring Ernie's breathy plea to his toy:

[Splashing sound effects] "Ooh, that was wonderful, Rubbie Duckie! Ooh, go, Rubber Duckie, get down! Yes! Do it! Way to boogie! Oh, that's it! Wonderful! Keep going, Rubber Duckie! YES! Into the suds! Now underwater! Get down! Way down! Don't drown down there! Oh, it's a bathtime boogie! Go, Rubber Duckie! MORE! Don't get it on the floor, Rubber Duckie! [Upon completion] We got suds all over the floor!"

After Ernie, uh, finishes, he actually smokes a cigarette, still reclined in the bathtub. Where the hell was Bert while all of this was going on? Shudder.

"COOKIE'S DISCO"

For a second, when this song first started playing, I thought I was listening to some rare alternative version of Madness' "One Step Beyond." Cookie Monster's raspy intro vocals sound eerily similar to Madness' raspy intro vocals in the ska classic "One Step Beyond". I was almost waiting for the "Hey you! Don't watch that – Watch this! This is the heavy heavy monster sound!" For god's sake, the word "monster" is even mentioned in the Madness tune. WEIRD.

"C IS FOR COOKIE"

Cookie Monster continues waxing discosophical on his obsession with cookies – Cookies is actually a pair of Siamese trannies, of course. This song reeks of cocaine, blackouts, and a day spent at the free clinic.

Funny, the only Sesame Street song I remembered for a while was that horrible "Me and My Llama" song. But now I can, fortunately, fantasize about a childhood that could have been — growing up in the basement of Studio 54, strung out on blow, Necco wafers, and Kool-Aid — through these disco Sesame Street songs.

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