Holy Bible: The New CH Version

Genesis:

Adam:FIRST!

Satan:douche…

Eve:¼span class=“Apple-style-span” style=“text-decoration: underline;”> www.ihateeve.com/?=nudepics/annoying/omgreally?…./

Satan:Nice rockin’ tits. Now try this apple, it’ll make ‘em even bigger.

Adam:Eat the freaking apple, Eve.

Yongwei:FIRST ASAIN

God:stfu, fatass

Methuselah:lol pwned.

Exodus:

Pharaoh:Hey Israelites, GET OVER HEEEEERE!!!

Scorpion:Not cool, man.

Moses:Let my people go.

Pharaoh:I’ll let your people go build me some fucking massive 3 -D triangles and a big ass cat.OWNED!LITERALLY!

Moses:Goddamn you.Literally.Here’s 10 plagues to suck on.And I banged your daughter.

Pharaoh:WTF GTFO!

Jews:woot.

Rest of Old Testament:

tldnr

(besides Song of Solomon – lol what a horndog)

Matthew, Mark, Luke, John:

Mary:Ummmm Joseph…. I’m preggo, but I swear it was the Holy Spirit, I still got my V-Card, honest!

Joseph:Yeah, right, and I’m the father of the Messiah.

Jesus:Me, ftw!

Pharisees:false.

Peter:hey Jesus, mind turning some more water into wine?Liquor stores are ironically and inexplicably closed on Sundays even though it’s the year freaking 20 A.D.I mean, come on…. welcome to the first century, right?

Pontious Pilot:Um… it’s about that time, Jesus.

Jesus:Ah dammit.

(3 days later)

Jesus:ME FTMFW!!!

Bhudda, Krishna, and Zeus :Fuck.

Acts- Jude:

tldnr

Revelation:

John:…hmmm, you raise a good question.I also wonder what my writings would look like if I consumed a bag of hallucinogenic mushrooms…

(2 hours later)

JOHN:ZOMFG WE’RE ALL EFFED IN THE AY!!!! ARMAGEDDON!!! 666!!! THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST!!!!

Bruce Dickinson:Hmmm…. you’re onto something

Jesus: —hoa dude, chill out.¼/p>

THE END