How the Vice Presidential Canidates Were Really Chosen

Its been six months since the election and I have finally been allowed to share how the V.P picks were made for each canidate.The following are transcripts of tapes secretly recorded while each presidential candidate chose thier running mate.

 

The McCain Tapes

Advisor #1: John we need to talk about who your vp pick is going to be

McCain: How about Lieberman, I love Joe Lieberman

Everyone:  (hysterical laughter)

Advisor #1: But seriously who do you have in mind?

McCain: Well, what about Mitt Romney?

Advisor #1:  Yeah that sounds like a good idea, a solid intelligent candidate who has a lot of financial experience.

Advisor #2: Hold up! You guys are looking at this in the wrong way. The G.O.P is failing because it is no longer the grand old party but grandpa’ s old party. As a party we’ve gone limp gentlemen let’s face it. We need new blood, we need new ideas, we need political Viagra. That’s why we need to go with a woman.

McCain: But women can’t vote

Advisor#1: Actually sir they got the right to vote around your 60th birthday.

McCain: Ah, yes I remember that glorious year.

Advisor#2: Listen, back to the candidate pick, we need someone with sex appeal, someone who the American people can look at for more than five seconds before wanting to throw up

McCain:  But … I am attractive, see

Advisor#1: What’s happening is he having a stroke?

Advisor #2: No I think he’s trying to smile

Advisor#1: Make it STOP!!!!

Advisor #2:  This is why I want to go with Sarah Palin.

McCain and Advisor #1: Who?

Advisor#2: Sarah Palin! You know winner of Ms.Wassilla!Governor of Alaska?

Advisor #1: Wait let me see a picture of her… Well she is pretty sexy and John you know America loves a sexy face… John,John!

Advisor#2: His face just froze from smiling, give him asecond… and we are good

McCain:  Wait what about her experience, I mean I am running on a platform of experience.

Advisor#1: Sir every great team has its differences like peanut butter and jelly, eggs and bacon, ice cream and pie.  She’s your Starsky to your Hutch, your Speedracer to your Mach 5, your Nickelodeon to your green slime. It’s a winning combination.

McCain: Well your combination of food and television based metaphors has me convinced. How long until we can contact her?

Advisor #2: We can call her right now.

McCain: Call her?

Advisor #2: Its like a telegraph only with sound.

McCain: Telegraph?

Advisor#1: Its like the pony express only with wires

McCain: Oh! Lets make a women I just heard of the potential next president of the United States.

The Obama Tapes

Advisor #1:  How are you doing today Barack?

Barack: I’m good, just re-reading the Communist Manifesto.

Advisor#2: Down with the proletariat!

Advisor#1: Not now! Sir we need to talk with you about something.

Barack: Come on. How long have you been on the campaign trail with me call me by my real name: Ben Hershel Obenstien

Advisor #3:Wait you are Jewish?

Advisor #2: You didn’t know

Advisor #3: (gulp)

Advisor#1: Now that you know this information we cannot let you leave the room.

(Choking sounds are heard)

Advisor#1: Okay Ben now that that’s done, who are you thinking of for your VP pick

Barack: Maybe Al Gore

Advisor#2: He’s busy in Antarctica, those polar ice caps won’t melt themselves you know.

Barack:  Hilary?

Advisor#1:  Pure evil.

Barack: Biden?

Advisor#1: Well he does talk about himself in the third person a lot.

Advisor #2: That just means he knows what he’s talking about

Barack: I want my running mate to be a person who isn’t afraid of arguing with me even if he refers to himself in the third person. A man so overly confident in himself that he doesn’t care how much of an ass he looks like when he talks about himself in the third person.

Advisor #1: Alright I’ll call him up

Barack: Well I’m off to shul, invite Biden over for Shabbat some time, oh and save the date of December 15 its Malia’s bat mitzvah.

Advisor #2: What are we going to do with the body?

Advisor #1: Give it to Kucinich he’ll know what to do.

The Bob Barr Tapes

Advisor 1: Sir we have someone on the line who says they really hate the American government.

Barr:  What’s his name?

Advisor #1: Osama bin something …I’m not sure.

Barr: He doesn’t like the U.S government

Advisor #1: Yeah, he really hates it. Like really.

Barr:  What are his views on gun control?

Advisor #1: He seems really into guns.

Barr: Tell him that he is now the running mate for the Libertarian party ticket!

The Nader Tapes

Advisor #1: Sir we need to talk about your V.P pick

Nader: Don’t worry I have already decided how I am going to choose my running mate.

Advisor#2: How sir?

Nader: When the sun is highest in the sky I shall strip off all my clothing and walk naked into the nearest patch of woods. There I shall injest large quantities of acid.

Advisor #1: Wait… What?

Nader: Oh yes, and you shall follow me as well to watch me.

Advisor#1: Do I have to be naked and take a lot of acid aswell?

Nader: Do you have to be naked and take lots of acid? Oh course you do! We’re the freakin green party naked acid trips are at the top of our agenda!  Anyways as I was saying, once I drop the acid you shall record the first sound I make, then when the moon is int he seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars you shall find a blue phone book and find a last name that rhymes with the sound I said. That shall be my running mate.

Advisor#2: This is ridiculous!

Nader: Its better then how the rest of them are deciding it.