Disney Unveils More Personalities for Miley Cyrus

by Joel Bustamante on March 4, 2009

America’s favorite bi-polar teen queen is back! This time, however, she’s more not herself than ever. Disney has recently announced the need for a more culturally diverse Miley Cyrus, and has released five new personalities for her.

“I’m excited about it,” says Cyrus. “I tried being a bird for that fancy prom movie-thing, but nobody seemed to have liked that. Maybe it’s time for something new.“Focusing on a more worldly approach, Disney has assigned countries of origin to each new personality, as well as to the original two.

“We’ve always thought of Hannah being from Canada, and Miley from some illiterate home in the Deep South,” commented Disney representative Jimmy Blanchards. “Besides, if this doesn’t work, then we may have to turn her into one of the Cheetah Girls.”

Here are the new personas, complete with biographies, height, weight, and other stalkerish info you might want.

5.) Ana Monta�a

-Raised in the desolate deserts of San Rio, Mexico, Ana prefers a solid siestaand a feisty fiesta to any actual singing. She sings primarily in a low brow Mariachi band, complete with a handmade guitarra from her father, Roberto Raimundo Sierra. Ana likes to focus on traditional values and oftentimes sings about her lovely quincea�era experience, in which she received a 1992 Dodge Charger.

4.) Chibi Martini

-Born to Hiro Sai Samsung, Chibi is a prodigy on the Tokyo-Pop scene, performing for literally every occasion. Characterized by her “overwhelmingly cute” personality and pink hair wig thing, Chibi prances around the stage and nonsensically throws up the peace sign whenever possible. Of course, Chibi loves pandas, and is oftentimes seen holding one while she drives her 2009 Toyota Prius.

3.) Hanna Morienka

-From the Motherland is Hanna, a talented daughter of Russian superstar Rusian R. Sergei. Hanna has a restricted curfew, and promotes strength through unity, as well as communal values. By serving the Great Mother Russia, Hanna has developed the skills of uniform dance, as well as gathering the proletariat while denying the oppression of the burgoise. On rare occasions, Hanna can beseen rallying her “fans” in her 1983 BLOC, and when that fails her, she utilizes a standard cart pulled by more “fans.”

2.) Helga Montelga

-A slightly chubby version of our favorite girl, Helga always performs in full Norwegian gear, and is known for randomly breaking out into operas. This Icelandic ice queen proudly sports a falsetto voice, which has been known to shatter glass. Oftentimes seen yodeling with goats or yaks, she prides herself on being the daughter of renowned folk singer Toki Tamblor Sialsyskdja. On“good” days (when she can actually fit inside the door), Helga tours the countryside in her 2004 IKEA brand Flugendaas,a solid electric mini car that usually has excellent gas mileage. Due to the added weight, however, the poor “car” can barely go 27 miles without needing a recharge.

1.) Raven Maventana

-Considered as more of a sister than an actual personality, Raven is actually played by another Disney star, Raven Symone. This is an attempt to diversify the less famous actress, and have her do something that is not “so Raven.” Heralded as a heavenly force from Heaven, she brings the heat with heartfelt gospel tunes. There has been some internal conflict, however, as her father, Cosby C. Martin asks her to share his 1994 Chevy Astro, instead of giving her a personal vehicle.

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