You Are Not Dharma Material

At least on the island, they have Dharma beer. At least they have tents. At least they have time traveling surprises, Sawyer’s hot bod, and a little village with hammocks and hibachi grills.

As for me, I’ve got an empty apartment with no heat, and no mattress. That’s right: tonight, I’m sleeping on a pile of blankets on the floor. I’ve just moved in to my new place, and none of my possessions has arrived yet.

But, no worries. Because this evening, I found the closest television set and partied with our favorite time leaping bandits. (Time Bandits reference, anyone?)

Here’s what went down this week, in a romantic bottle of Dharma wine:

Whatever Locke did must have worked; Jin, Juliet, Daniel, Miles and Sawyer have stopped flashing through time. They are now stuck sometime in the groovy 70s, when the Dharma initiative was in full swing (pre-Ben). They rescue a Dharma girl from some hostiles, and then go to their camp. At first, the Dharmanians are suspicious (Turn off that fence, Amy!). But after Sawyer diverts a crisis with Richard, the Dharma Initiative lets them stay for a bit. Three years later, Sawyer has become their leader, Jin speaks perfect English, and Sawyer and Juliet have fallen in love. Oh, then Jack and the rest of the gang show up. Hooray!

Here’s what we learn:

1. It takes 3 years to get over someone.
2. Daniel sees the little girl version of Charlotte. Redheads everywhere shed a tear.
3. Once you are lodged in a time for good, nosebleeds stop.
4. Charlotte died and then disappeared. She – nor her body – did not make the last time leap.
5. Remember that crazy statue that we saw the foot of waaaaay back? Well, it was fully erect in the 70s. And it seemed to be some sort of animal person?/li>
6. Horace – the dude we saw in one of Locke’s “visions” (Remember? He was “building a cabin for him and the Missus?”)- was once the leader of the Dharma Initiative.
7. Back in the day, it seems that babies could be born on the island with no problem. And we are fairly certain that this baby was conceived on the island.
8. When we saw Locke turning the wheel this time, there was no Christian. WTF?
9. When will my 3 years be up?
10. Elizabeth Mitchell was PSYCHED when she read this episode’s script. A bed scene with Josh Holloway?? Score!
11. Claire update: No one even cares that she’s not accounted for.
12. Our Locke-as-Christ references are back in full swing. Both Sawyer and Richard are waiting for the return of their Savior. Finally, my Catholic school days come in handy.
13. The hostiles and Dharma had a truce back in the day. Guys, why do the hostiles want Paul’s body? Necrophilia?
14. Miles finally calls out the endless, pointless movement of Lost characters: Head to the beach, head to the Orchid, head to the hatch, head back to the beach. Relax everybody!
15. “Better Off Ted” is going to be the worst show on television.
16. I totally got goosebumps when Sawyer saw Kate again. Three years, my ass.