Staff Picks

Please Let Me Watch Your Kids

Please let me watch your kids. I need the work. I have no more money. My…my wife left me. She took everything. T.V., stereo, Nordic track, all the food… I’ve got nothing. I am begging you. Please let me watch your kids.

Oh God… I have nothing left. I’ll be great. I’ll tuck ‘em in and read ‘em stories. We’ll have so much fun. We’ll be crying from all the fun. We’ll be crying and laughing and nothing else will matter anymore. Please. I was a business man. I had a house, a family… I just need this. I need to watch your kids. You can pay me anything. I’ll work for free. Just to be in a warm house. That’s all I need.

I’ll do anything. I have a clown outfit. I’ll dress up as a clown. Would they like that? Do they like clowns? I can change diapers. I can wear diapers. Whatever you want. Just, just don’t turn me down… I can dance. Yeah. I can dance. Really well. Do your kids like dancing? I can dance with them. We can dance all night. We can just dance and dance until all of our problems disappear. Wouldn’t that be great? … For the love of God please let me do this.

What about Beenie Babies? Do your kids enjoy Beenie Babies? I love Beenie Babies. I got tons of them. I can bring them over. It’ll be so much fun. I’ve been using them as bed but I’ll bring them over. I wouldn’t be asking you if I didn’t need this. Please give me a chance. I can cook. I can cook them anything. Lasagna. Do they like lasagna? I love lasagna. I make it so well. They won’t eat anything else. I made it for my kids all the time. It’s so good. It’ll be just like old times. Please…

Oh Jesus… I, I just need to get started again. Just this one time. I need this more than anything. Whatever you want me to do. Look at me. I am nothing. Your kids. They won’t mind. They’ll love it. We can stay up all night and get lost in an old movie. One from the ’40s. Do they like ’40s movies? Whatever they want. I’ll have nothing left. Without this I’ll have nothing left. I just need to watch your kids.

What’s that? You don’t have any kids. Oh, oh o.k. Sorry. I just… I just thought you had been pregnant earlier. Sorry. So sorry. Miscarriages happen. I understand. I was a miscarriage. Just… are you sure? Cause I can put ‘em to bed and everything. It’ll be so fun. So fun. Please let me do this. You’re sure. Oh.. o.k. it’s fine. Everything’s fine. Do you have any pets?

See More
Like this Article
URL Close
uPick
I Fought the Law Run-ins with the cops See All »
Up +26 Down
Plastic Joe

So my uncle steals credit cards. It's kind of his thing. They once called him 'Plastic Joe' on the news, which he wildly objected to, claiming that it made him sound "like a Goddamn vibrator!" Anyway, when I was 11, the cops were raiding our house, looking for evidence to incarcerate my dear, misguided uncle. The whole family is on the porch, and my lazy-eyed dog... Read More » will not stop barking at the asshole police. They tell us that we had better shut the dog up, because he does have the authority to shoot it. I'm thinking that if he even tries to shoot my dumbass mouth breather dog, I'll punch him in the tooth. A couple of minutes later, another officer comes out of the house, and slams down a comically large orange envelope on the table, and blank credit cards and credit card paraphernalia spill out everywhere. The officer has death in his eyes, and demands to know who the envelope belongs to. Nobody says anything. But then smart ass 11 year old me stands up, and says dramatically, "Officer. Those are obviously mine. I'm a mafia crime lord. They call me Plastic Joe." I extend my wrists for cuffs. "Be gentle." The shit hits the fan. The officers get furious, my grandma is trying to tell them I was obviously joking, my sister is calling me stupid, and my uncle is laughing his balls off. 11 year old girl: 1 Cops: 0 Well, I mean...my uncle did end up getting arrested. So...maybe it's a tie.