Train Horn-


Train: WATCH OUT. WATCH OUT, I AM A TRAIN.

Me: Ah! Jesus, what time is it?

Train: I AM THE 3AM TRAIN OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW. DON'T GO ONTO THE TRACKS!

Me: Wha- It's three o'clock in the morning. I was asleep, in my bed. In my home.

Train: CAN'T STOP TO TALK. I HAVE TO DELIVER A VERY IMPORTANT SHIPMENT OF NOTHING AT ALL. WATCH OUT FOR ME, THE TRAIN.

Me: I am not watching out. I am going back to sleep.

Train: WE COULD TALK A LITTLE, IF YOU WANT. I AM VERY LONELY!



Smoke Alarm-


Me: (cooking bacon)

Alarm: EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE EVERYWHERE.

Me: Damn it. (retrieving stepladder)

Alarm: ALL THINGS THAT EVER WERE OR EVER WILL BE ARE NOW ABLAZE. ABANDON YOUR HOPES AND YOUR CHILDREN AND FLEE.

Me: (jabbing at smoke alarm with broom)

Alarm: CAUTION THE FIRE HAS EVOLVED CRUDE TOOLS AND IS ATTEMPTING TO SILENCE MY WARNINGS. LAMENT, BROTHERS! LAMENT! TELL MY WIFE I WAS FAITHFUL TO THE END.



Radiator-


Me: How does that feel? Good?

Girlfriend: Meh.

Radiator: CLANG CLANG GODDAMNIT.

Me: Oh no not tonight shut up man, shut up.

Radiator: DID SOMEONE DIAL UP SOME HEAT ABOUT THREE HOURS AGO? CAUSE WE ABOUT TO GET MAD COZY ALL UP IN HERE.

Girlfriend: What is that noise? Is that your radiator?

Radiator: EL HEAT IS ON ITS WAY. JUST GIVE ME A COUPLE HOURS TO DO MY THING.

Girlfriend: It sounds like two steel drums humping. Ugh, I'm getting a headache.

Me: I can turn it off. (Twists dial)

Radiator: AW NUH-UH MAN YOU DONE AWOKE THE BEAST. WE FINISHIN' THIS.

Girlfriend: I'm sorry, it's freezing in here, and my head hurts. I'm gonna go.

Me: No, wait! I can throw a towel over it or something!

Girlfriend: I'll see you later.

Radiator: DRUM SOLO YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHH