"Issue One Hundred: St. Patrick's Day Drinking Problem Edition" by 105%-O-Matic

A lot of my friends take alcoholism very seriously, but it's more of a Christmas and Easter thing for me.

-John O'Connor

I thought getting my dog drunk would be really funny, but he just throws up like everyone else.

-Andrew Roth

If funerals were like college parties

How did I know the deceased? I didn't, but one of my friends did and said there would be free beer.

-Hillary Fink

TI just invented a new cocktail combining my two favorite drinks:a sex on the beach and a Manhattan. It's called a Sex and the City.

-Shawn Pearlman

"I'm drunk, you're Asian, let's f*ck," has never worked as a pick-up line for me. But I refuse to throw it away, at least until I get to try it out on an Asian.

-Adam Newman

The worst kind of surprise party is an intervention.

-Tom Sunnergren

My friends and I celebrate the Olympics with our own Beerlympics. It's just like the real Olympics, but all the events are based on drinking. This summer I won the gold medal in losing my job and abusing my wife. In 2012 I hope to add killing a pedestrian to that list.

-Kevin Corrigan