Annoying Friends That You Have

Friend Who Makes Shit Up:

“I was the one who started the saying “and then I found 5 dollars. I swear dude, cuz like one time I was telling a bad story and no one laughed-

“Like this one.”

“Yeah, and then I remembered I’d found a fiver in my couch that day, and I brought it up, and then everyone thought it was great and it just like, caught on.

Overconfident Friend:

“Let the bouncer try to kick me out, I could take that guy any day.”

“He weighs 300 lbs., easy.”

“So he is fat and slow, I’d duck a few punches and attack when he’s tired, quick like a fucking cat.”

“You have the build of Woody Allen. And not Annie Hall Woody, like current Woody Allen. Besides, you slipped on ice today and made me carry you the rest of the way home. I think you were crying a little, too.”

“So what? That’s ice, you can’t beat ice in a fight. I’m not fire. Idiot.”

Overemotional Friend:

“Yo, maybe it’s the Smirnoff Ice talking, but you guys are the best. You are always there to pick me up when I fall, through my highs and lows- I know I never tell you this, but I love you guys.”

“You ALWAYS tell us that.”

“In the words of the Dave Matthews Band…”

Girl Friend:

“And then she was all talking to me like I had said something, but I was talking about her friend and not her, but if she is going to say that I was talking about her than hell yeah I will talk about that bitch, I will talk about her until-”

“Why are we friends?”

“You want to have sex with me.”

“Oh yeah.”

One Upper:

“So today I was chilling in like the longest bank line, it literally took 25 minutes-”

“Yeah last time I was at the bank it took me 40.”

“Right. So anyway, in line I met this chick who was hot, she must have had full C cups”

“Hey yeah! When I was waiting there were these 2 chicks, 4 D’s between them”

“…Okay. So, all of a sudden this girl starts talking me up in line-”

“And they were sisters, twins, and I boinked both of them in their Boxter right in the parking lot with the top down.”

“Did you have a lot of siblings who got more attention than you as a child, or something?”

“Dude I had like 50 siblings, at least.”

Man’s Best Friend:

“Bark! Ruff! Ruff! Bark! Etc Whosagoodboy?! Areyouagoodboy?! Yessyouare! Yessyouare!”

“[shits on your floor]”

“Okay, time to put you down.”