6 Friends You Kinda Hate

Individually, they’re both awesome people who were friends with you pre-relationship. But when their powers combine, they form a crappy Megazord of lameness. Remember the guy who was always down for a game of tackle football? He watches “Grey’s Anatomy” every week. Remember the girl you introduced him to? The one you were friends with before he even knew she existed? She hasn’t spoken to you in months. Despite whatever friendship you may have had, she’s been demoted to “friend’s girlfriend” status; which means she sees you as competition for her boyfriend’s time. Now whenever you’re with him, he’s got to leave early to fulfill his daily quota of “sitting around and being boring with his girl.” And whenever you’re with her- Wait, you’re never with her. She decided you aren’t friends anymore.

Have plans for tonight? Maybe something different than the boring shit you and your friends do every night? Sorry, but as soon as you call this asshole your grandiose dreams are caput. Dragonforce could be playing a free show at a topless ice cream party and this guy would rather “have everyone chill” at his house. He’s lazy, selfish, and his “pad” isn’t nearly as fun as he thinks it is. But the worst part? Your friends are enablers. They’d rather just go there than actually think of something to do. Sucks for you.

She’s crazy! At least that’s what everyone reminds you every ten seconds. In reality, she’s more loud and annoying than anything — actually being insane would suggest that she doesn’t have control of her actions. But every “outburst” is just her way of attracting attention. Her sense of humor includes yelling and doing “embarrassing” things when she’s drunk (which is most of the time). Expect your friends to constantly recount her hilarious antics. Can you believe she threw a shoe at someone last night? How crazy is that? So crazy, right? Crazy!

Don’t like talking about your “Call of Duty” play style in front of strangers? Too bad! You made the mistake of befriending this social-retard and now you’re paying the price. The Nerd loves to speak openly about lan parties and “pwnage” in ANY situation, and assumes everyone understands his jargon. Even more painful than his “World of Warcraft” jokes, is the awkward silence that follows; but don’t worry! He’ll be quick to fill the void by incessantly quoting Internet memes. Good times.

Your girlfriend insists that they’ve been “friends forever” and that it’s “not like that.” But you know exactly what “it’s” like; he wants to f*ck her. Unfortunately, there’s not too much you can do about it without seeming like a jealous jackass. Technically, he’s not doing anything wrong. He hides behind the innocent guise of a platonic relationship while waiting for the perfect opportunity to make his move. And the worst part about all this? Anything you say to your girlfriend will blow up in your face. What could you say? “I’m suspicious of him because he’s showing interest in you, and there’d be no reason to do that without the prospect of sex.” Sounds terrible. You’d be better off just biting your tongue. Let’s face it, he’ll probably never do anything offensive enough to justify your actions.

He’s such an asshole.