How to Ride the Bus

1.  During non-rush hours, bus fare costs $1.75.  Bus etiquette requires you pay this with nickels and/or dimes.  Under no circumstances should you pay with cash.  This is letting the driver win.

2.  Turn the volume on your iPod to its maximum level.  Of the 45 other people on the bus, at least 3 probably enjoy Tone Loc as much as you do.  The rest can suck it.

3.  Position your body to occupy the maximum amount of space possible.  If you have a bag or purse, place it on the seat directly in front of you to establish your “me-bubble”.  If someone attempts to sit next to you, angrily disparage their facial features or ethnicity.

4.  With your mouth agape, breathe loudly and wetly, occasionally gurgling to clear your throat.  A deep sigh or two will convey to your fellow passengers that you are incredibly busy and totally just overwhelmed right now.

5.  Call someone on your cell phone.  Although your ride will last only a few minutes, it is important to discuss your drinking plans/hygiene issue/felony conviction when convenient for YOU.  Shout to make your points more clearly, if necessary.

6.  IMPORTANT – Do not offer your seat to the elderly, the handicapped, or mothers with small children.  If they wanted to sit, they should’ve gotten on earlier like you did.

7.  Congratulations!  You are now ready to ride the bus!  Come see why millions of people avoid public transportation every day!