What comes to mind when you hear the word NERD? Technological devices? Glasses? Social awkwardness? All may indizzle come into plizzle.

I am fascinated by a Nerd named Nellis. An Autobot symbol bearing, Watchmen reading, Subaru driving kind of Nerd. There is no denying this- robots, cars, and superheros all turn her on. Or maybe it's superhero robot cars? Whatever.

I observe her in her natural environment. Which I guess is college. Cobyland. The joyous place where we reside.

The Nellis retorted, "Scene Kids should die."

Like a mama goose protecting her eggs, she is protective of the things which she loves. Nerdy Nellis, or Nellis the Nerd, or NellydoodooNerdify, loves many things. Primarily her computer. Whoever touches it WILL have a torturous death. (Seriously, she won't even let me use it for HDubs when my computer is loaded with fourteen viruses. It's serious stuff!) She loves her car, she loves techno music (and punk, lest we forget), and of course- graphic novels. She loves to pretend she is a superhero (although she does NOT walk around wearing a cape. I kind of wish she would, though).

A few days ago she told me a secret: she masturbates.

I said, "That's not a big secret, it's only every time I flop down on your bed that a dildo is peeking out from behind a pillow!"

Then she told me the real secret- she masturbates, fantasizing that Optimus Prime, Doctor Manhattan, and other Nerdtastic icons in bed with her. These wild dreams of blue ding dongs and oil-jiz are the things which get her off.

I question whether or not her boyfriend knows this.

I digress… The Nellis dragged me out last weekend to see The Watchmen. I was looking forward to seeing it, although I had absolutely no clue what it was about (that's how it is with most movies she forces me to watch). All I knew was that it was based on a graphic novel. And it was about three hours long.

We arrived at the theatre and The Nellis screamed, "We HAVE to see it in IMAX!!!!!!"

"But that's five dollars more!," I complained.

"I'll pay for you, I don't care, we have to!!!!!"

"Okay…"

So we sat in one of the first rows in the theatre. A prieview came on for the new Star Trek movie and The Nellis grabbed me and said, "I just came twenty-eight times!"

"Oh, god," I rolled my eyes.

Then the Transformers 2 preview came on. The Nellis took hold of my small Italian body again, and shook me, and said, "I just came one hundred and twenty-two times!!!!!"

"I came four times?," I offered.

"Okay," The Nellis said.

After the movie, wierd things started to happen to her and I. I found myself beginning to understand, and even appreciate Nerds. And The Nellis, well… She crowed like a baby bird and cooed like a boy losing his virginity.

The other day, during a nice, quaint, sit down lunch in a nice, quaint, sit down restaraunt in Cobyland, I spied a marking on The Nellis's arm. She had self mutilated!!!

Shocked, appalled even, I raged, "Is that the Doctor Manhattan symbol on your wrist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?"

She quickly tried to cover it up, embarrassed, but could not. She nodded, "Yes, but it's only Sharpie, I swear!"

"It's okay, it's okay, I just… I just…"

"Wait." The Nellis had caught me in the act. She asked, "How do you know what symbol was on Doctor Manhattan's forehead? You're not a Nerd."

I stuttered, drew a blank, and ran out of the building.