Some nights are crazy. You never know where you're going to end up. You experience a hurricane of excitement and your lives are never the same. For me this was one of those nights.

It was a cold and rainy night and I had just finished work. I decided to go out for a few drinks to relax. I met up with a few friends and friends of friends at the local pub for a beverage. Little did I know this would turn out to be one of the more eventful nights of my life.

I noticed her straight away. A good looking blonde who I had seen around from time to time. I didn't know her but I was good friends with her best friend. She was clearly into me and gave off the vibe. I was playing it cool but soon she was buying me shot after shot. What did I care, I was having a great time. I took hold of her and soon we were playing a quick game of tongue wars. I went to the bathroom full of myself thanks to my public display of sexual prowess. My best friend followed me into the bathroom and said something to me that changed my perspective.

Best Friend – "dude, you realize she has no fingers"

I hadn't realized. I thought he was bullshiting me. This is the type of thing you'd think you'd notice. If a girl had only thumbs would you realize? I didn't. I went back to the table we were drinking at and found her gripping her glass with both incomplete limbs. My friend was telling the truth. She only had thumbs. I was kind of horrified at what id done. I was the laughing stock of the bar. Everyone knew except for me. I was no longer smug and arrogant.

Then I had another thought. And I remember it very clearly.

Me – "This would make a great story. This would be one I could tell through the ages and it would make me a king among men."

Whatever, I was very drunk. She had been feeding me shots all night. I thought it about time to capitalize on the situation. I subtly suggested that we make our way to my place. As we left she kept trying to hold my hand. It was a little uncomfortable as she didn't have much to grip with, so I kept slapping it away. We eventually settled with me holding her wrist as a pulled her towards the taxi.

In the taxi I discovered a few interesting facts about the girl I was taking home. By this point I was referring to her only as nubbins because I thought it was funny. It turns out that she didn't lose her fingers in a hilarious and tragic accident that would make a perfect feel good movie. She was just born that way. I know kind of boring right. Also she was a waitress in a restaurant. I later checked this out because I didn't believe her. If she couldn't pick up a glass one handed I doubted she could carry a tray. I was wrong. Anyway we got back to my place and she paid for the taxi.

We get upstairs and not too surprisingly it turns into one of the more awkward sexual experiences of my life. She starts giving me what I can only describe as palm job. Against all reason it chaffed. It was horrible. Not to be helped by the fact she was the worst dirty talker I have ever encountered. Then I started to over think it.

Me – "What's going on down there? It's not supposed to feel like she's gripping me with sand paper. This girl has no rhythm. Wait……what exactly is touching me. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. I've got to look."

I looked down and completely lost it. She was playing me like a game boy and I wasn't enjoying it. I tried my best to be subtle. I tried to shrewd and skillful but it didn't come out that way.

Me – "Hey could you, you know……maybe use your mouth."

It couldn't get any worse but it didn't get any better. She began to fellate and all I can say is that I was not impressed. For some reason I had got it into my brain that she would be amazing at giving head. Like when a person goes blind they acquire almost superhuman hearing. I thought the same would be true of a girl with no fingers. I figured that because she could use her hands properly that her mouth skills would be off the chart. I was mistaken. It was mediocre at best. I tried again to skip along to something I might enjoy. Again I was stopped in my tracks.

Me – "Maybe we should just move on again. I'm pretty drunk and don't want to lose it before we have sex"
Nubbins – "Oh I don't have sex on the first date"

This was more than I could handle. I felt sexually molested and deprived. This was the last straw.

Me – "What fucking date. I met you 3 hours ago in the pub. This is not a date. What even gave you that idea? This is just fucking great. I'm being turned down by a cripple, this may be the lowest point in my life."

I then passed out in an angry state of sexual frustration. I still see her every now and then. I always point at her with my thumb and index finger and make a like gun. POW. She just gives me the thumbs up.

I wish I could be as kind but she only gets two thumbs down from me.