If I acted like my computer did on the first day of work

Boss: Jesse!

Me: Sorry boss, fell asleep.

Boss: I got up to get coffee, that’s an absurd amount of time to fall asleep in. Did you get my mail yet?

Me: Yeah boss, got it in .2 seconds!

Boss: I asked for this 20 minutes ago.

Me: That’s improbable.

Boss: It happened. This is all my mail?

Me: Results 1-5. Here, give me those back and I’ll show you the next 5.

Boss: I’d like to just look at them all at the same time. And please stop playing with that hourglass.

Me: Sorry.

Boss: Also, I see you didn’t print the memo I asked you to.

Me: Yeah about that…Are you sure you want to print it?

Boss: Wholly and completely.

Me: Okay, it’s just that…you didn’t use real words. Look at this one.

Boss: That’s my name.

Me: Right, here we go then. Hold on it appears you’re not connected to the internet.

Boss: What? Here, let me…

Me: Hey, your network configuration has changed!

Boss: Thank you, that was me changing it manually. Listen, when you’re done printing can you find “gr-

Me: “Granny trannie panties?”

Boss: …“green computing solutions.” That must be left over from your old boss. I’m gonna need you to forget everything he ever asked of you. Can you do that?

Me: …

Boss: Jesse? Jesse put the hourglass down. Okay this isn’t working out. You’re unresponsive; I’m going to have to-

Me: You can’t fire me! (storms out of office)

Secretary: Sir, Jesse quit unexpectedly.