I'm not one for hyperbole, but clearly a fact: red-hot gymnast, Alison Carroll the latest babe to take on the bra-filling mantle of video game star, Lara Croft is better than anything in existence, and also (I'm told) makes my pants look fantastic.
The story you're about to read is true. The italicized text and some "facts" is entirely made up in the interest of comedy.
The limber and spry 23-year-old start of Tomb Raider: Underworld, had modeled for the video game (based on a Ellen Degeneres fantasy), and is hoping to show Hollywood she can wield the short-shorts and breast-augmenting backpacks which I dubbed the "Wonder-Satchel" just as well as the others even better.
"All the other Lara's have been great," she said in a dailystar interview, "but this is the first time they have got someone who not only looks good but can do all the action moves as well; The other Lara's were paraplegic, to the best of my knowledge.
"I would like to think I am the best one yet. Angelina [Jolie] might disagree though. If you'd like to find her, I recommend dressing up as whose Ethiopian kids she adopts as third-world and weathered as Indiana Jones' passport!"
Alison even hopes to one day be Angelina's replacement. (Replace Gia?)
"Ideally, I would love to do a film. My limberness alone is enough to carry an entire movie," she said. "Angelina is great but if she can't do it I'm more than ready to step into those boots for her. Plus, like my video game counterpart, I can jump on a series of moving digital platforms without dying."
Other than Angelina Jolie, women to play Lara include models Nell McAndrew, Lucy Clarkson, and a near-realistic sluty manakin. But unlike those Lara's, Alison sets herself apart by adding action in her everyday life: she creates strongholds in her closet, field-strips her cat, exchanges crossfire with her neighboring republicans, all in the name of amping up her bravery.
She joked: "Lara doesn't really get scared about anything and I guess neither do I well, apart from spiders and modesty. I am the real-life action girl. On Sunday's, come watch me reenact the truck chase scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark on my couch."
With the new-found fame, it may give her the connections to find her own action man, maybe Qubert, Super Mario, or Joust.
"And I guess that playing Lara should get me a few more dates. But, being like the real life Lara, I'd probably just shoot them, or, I don't know, have frame-rate issues."
Tomb Raider: Underworld came out on November 21.
Portions of this article has appeared in maxitmag.com.